Beating around the Bush

An Israeli doctor says: “Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.”

A German doctor says: “That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.”

A Russian doctor says: “In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.”

An American Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says: “You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the globe is looking for work.”

The Guy Dictionary

“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”
Translated: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

“UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR”
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN”
Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”

“I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT’S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.”
Translated: “That girl standing on the corner is a real babe.”

“TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD.”
Translated: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU,AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.”
Translated: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”

“OH, DON’T FUSS – I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT’S NO BIG DEAL.”
Translated: “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death
before I admit that I’m hurt.”

“I CAN’T FIND IT.”
Translated: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely
clueless.”

“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?”
Translated: “What did you catch me at?”

“I HEARD YOU.”
Translated: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the
next three days yelling at me.”

“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.”
Translated: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be
worse.”

“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.”
Translated: “Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.”

“I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.”
Translated: “No one will ever see us alive again.”

Seven Hundred Ten

A woman came in a Garage and asked for a seven hundred ten.

All looked at each other, and the mechanic asked, “What is a seven-hundred- ten?”

She replied, “You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there.”

The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710 !!

He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, “Is there a 710 on this car?”

She pointed and said, “Of course, it’s right there.”

Now go to the photo below to learn what a 710 is……….

710

Corporate Cost Control Policy

Dear All,

In the pretext of the present slowdown in the business and economic scenario, it is imperative that we need to curb our internal expenditure. While our intention and fullest of endeavor is to retain and nurture talents like you, but we can only achieve if we try to cut costs in all our functions. We would like to remind you of the idiom “A stitch in time saves nine”. To your benefit, thus, we are pleased to introduce our new corporate policies for everyone to take note and follow.

It must be understood that these policies shall be applicable immediately and all employees are expected to follow the same rigorously depending on their of their roles and hierarchal position. Any violation from the policies shall be escalated to the higher management in a systematic manner, which would be circulated to you later through a corporate presentation. It shall also be noted by everyone that these corporate policies shall be read in conjunction with Corporate Code of conduct (CCC) Corporate Dress Code (CDC) and Corporate Social Responsibilities (CSR).

It is found that most of the employees enjoy additional facilities provided by office which doesn’t have any direct bearing with the productivity. Guided by an internal survey result, we have concluded to implement the following measures with immediate effect.

  • The disposable plastic glasses kept near the coffee/ cold drink vending machines would be removed; Employees shall bring their own glass, mug, pitcher etc. The volume of the container should not exceed 300 ml, which would be approved by HR. Special application would be required, if someone wants to keep containers more than 400 ml, accompanied with a Doctor’s certificate. However pregnant ladies and HR staff can use containers upto 650 ml.
  • The soft drink vending machine would be removed from the cafeteria. Cold drink contains great quantity of sugar & intake of sugar is bad for health. Also it is found that the soft drinks are manly consumed by office boys, errand boys, courier guys and rats. Allowing rats inside office violate the CSR, hence the withdrawal of the facility.
  • Tea- coffee would be rationed henceforth. A requisition form shall be filled up for each tea coffee request & sent by email with copy to line manager. Upon line manager’s express approval and submission of hard copy of the email, the office boy would bring you tea/ coffee. In case line manager is traveling, please submit the ‘Indemnity Bond’ and attach with your request email. However, for entertaining guests, business partners & VIP visitors, the advance request mail should be marked to HR head, CFO and Head- Corporate affairs. In case you need to request more than 10 cups, approval from Chairman shall be required. Also note, extra glasses for visitors can be obtained (400 ml only) from Admin store, once the visitors ask for tea/ coffee.
  • Paper hand towels would be removed. Toilet tissue rolls however will be supplied @ 1 meter per person/ usage. The policy and process would be the same for recycles cups. Recycle old newspapers in case of emergency.

  • All CD & DVD writers, Pen drives are also disabled. External hard disks violate CCC, hence banned. You shall use the intranet for uploading your official files to be written on CD or call IT helpdesk. Your request would be catered by (first in first out) FIFO basis.
  • Chairs for secretaries and PA’s are counted as extra. Most of the bosses are busy in meetings and the chairs are empty for 80% of the working hours. Most bosses have confirmed their cooperation and comfort regarding with sharing the same chair with their female colleagues, in case of urgent tasks to be performed. In case of same sex situation the secretary is encouraged to practice working while standing. The best achiever would be declared “Horse of the year” on company annual day.
  • In case of high priority outstation meetings where data exchange is envisaged, the senior most team member may ask for specific permission for such exchange. A representative from IT department shall travel with and assist the team on site for CD writing for such special purpose. The travel of IT personnel would be treated as deprivation than prerogative and thus s/he should be entitled to travel business class, as per CCC, special provisions.
  • Employees using laptop may opt for exchanging that with a desktop computer. All senior employees who have already opted for ‘chair free secretary’ policy will by default be withdrawn from laptop facilities. In such cases multi tasking is encouraged as per CCC.
  • An IT audit would be conducted every month to check unofficial content on your computer. Any music, picture, presentation, document not directly related to the employee’s job responsibility, shall be treated as unofficial content. Also, it is to be noted that people like Salman Khan/ Brad Pitt and  Katrina Kaif/ Sharon Stone can not treated as ‘ Role model’ and used as desk top wall paper.
  • All employees are requested to return the I Pod Nano’s given away in the last Annual Day function, as a gesture towards CSR at these trying times. It should be well maintained and in working condition, failing which the depreciated value of the instrument would be deducted from next month’s salary. A camp of taking back the Ipods has been arranged by HR personnel followed by office sponsored lunch.
  • The Blackberries would be taken back too. Those who use Blackberries need to use laptops, those using laptop shall be given desktops and those who are using desktops would be issued typewriters and calculators.

  • Traveling shall be only on need basis. Special permission shall be required from the line manager for destinations like Bangkok, Amsterdam, Goa and Mulund.
  • For outstation lodging three employees shall stay in one double room. Who shall sleep on the floor can be decided through an official brawl/ catfight as the case may be. Women employees may carry their own bedding for convenience.
  • Consumption of alcoholic beverages would not be reimbursed anymore unless it is proved that such consumption has resulted into signing a deal which the company would not have able to strike otherwise. However, if such deals get awry later the concerned employee(s) shall be subjected to violation of CCC, for allowing the business partner coming to his senses.

  • Paper Shredders would be removed. Employees are encouraged to tear off useless documents. Study shows, this activity also helps to fight work related stress.
  • Wearing skimpy, short and undersized outfits won’t be treated as sign of recession. When we say our simplicity and transparency is our policy we don’t mean the same to be adapted as dress code. Refer CDC for more clarity.
  • The Air-conditioning system shall be regulated. The AC system shall be turned on at 10 am and shut down for 45 mins every 2 hours excluding 1 hour during lunchtime. AC would be shut off for the day at 7 pm. Employees may bring their own hand fans and other manually operated apparatus. Electrically operated table fans etc won’t be allowed.
  • The entire lighting system is being modified and much sophisticated advanced futuristic motion sensors would be put in place. A very reputed international lighting consultant has been appointed who shall design the internal lighting system. The proposed system would have intelligent state of the art hardware to continuously map the headcount and proximity of employees and turn on/ off the lights based on occupancy ratio. We are also changing the entire electrical cabling for compatibility. This change is expected to bring huge savings in electricity bills after 25 years. However, lights would be put off during lunchtime, except for cafeteria.
  • The gym would be converted to HR training centre.
  • The shower room would be converted to HR meeting room.
  • Pool table to be removed and added to HR department.
  • The audio-visual room would be converted to restricted access HR cubicles.
  • TV room to be converted to cabin for HR Head.

Expecting your co-operation to sail through the tough times smoothly.

Thank you

Warm regards,

Head – Admin and HR

PAKISTANI MATHS QUESTION PAPER

Got this in mail today, author unknown.

Instructions:

——————————————————————–
i) Students found copying will be shot on the spot.
ii)Any student coming late after 10 minutes after the exam starts will be forced to join Al Qayda group.
iii)AK-47’s and Grenades are not allowed in the exam hall. Students may keep their daggers, Revolvers and pack of anthrax bombs only for self defense.
———————————————————————-
Math Exam

Time 3 hours

Full Marks 100
All questions are compulsory.

1. Abdul was sent to jail for murder .He has 7 wives in his house.
Abdul distributed money to his wives in such a proportion that the youngest and most recent wife receives maximum and oldest wife gets minimum, and each wife gets double of her former competitor. Abdul has 1700 Rupaye left in his house. Abdul’s oldest wife needs atleast 25 rupaye per month. Find out the time when Abdul will have to break Jail to come out and earn money so that his wives do not starve.

2. Karim is a Drug seller. Prices per gram of Marijuana, hasis, haroine and LHD s are 50, 60,70,80 Rupaye respectively. Karim offers a discount of Rupaye 20 for his buyers who buys more than 50 grams of drug. If Rahim , a buyer gets Rupaye 37 discount , find out the grams of LHD he bought.

3. Imran tampers the ball thrice per over. He deforms the ball .02% of its original shape each time . Find the percentage deformation the ball due to tampering in a one day series against India in which Imran bowled 9.3 overs.

4. Rauf has a Company named Al Allah Kidnapping & Murder Private Limited. He has to threat 10 people per day over Telephone. 40% of the people he threats are cinema stars in Mumbai, 30% are Businessman in Delhi, 20% are Cricket Players in Madras and 10% are shopkeepres in Calcutta . If ISD charges are rupaye 15, 25, 40, 50 per minute from Rauf’s city Islamabad to Bombay, Delhi,Calcutta and Madras respectively and he gets a Telephone bill of 10,230 Rupaya in a month Find out The No of Cinema stars in Mumbai ,threatened in that particular month.

5. A terrorist group has to provide one Ak 47.one AK 49,one Rocket Launcher, 50 Grenades and one pack of RDX to its Ron roots for training.One AK 47 costs 100$; One Ak 49 costs 150 $,A Bazuka rocket Launcher costs 250 $ , grenade is 3 $ each, a pack of Rdx Bomb attached with remote Control is 500 $.
The terrorist group admits 2000 new people every year out of which 30 % are court-martialed. Find the amt of Foreign Money Pakistan Govt has to provide each year to run such a group.

6. If stabilty of democratic Govt. in pakistan is given by the following equation X exp3 +X exp2 -16 = i, where the notations have their usual meaning; Find out x.

7. Probaliblity of a Pakistani prime minister to be shot is 78 %.
Probabilty of a Military general to be shot is 80% .
Find the joint probability of a Prime minister to be shot who is also a Military general.

8.) Find out geometrically the area of Paktunistaan using PI Theorem with Osama BIn Ladens Correction (That is taking the value of PI = 786 instead of 3.14….), if Paktunistaan is taken as a heptagon.

9) A ‘GHAURI’ missile tries to fly from Drass to Kargil which is not too far from Drass (say 100 miles) and is exactly to the East of Drass . The wind is blowing from the South and the speed of the wind is exactly equal to the speed of the airplane. (The speed of the airplane is measured with respect to the air!) The pilot decides to steer straight to Kargil all the time during the flight.
Will the airplane ever reach Kargil ? What if the speed of the wind is k times the speed of the airplane, where k is a positive number (can be greater or less than 1)? Try to sketch the trajectory of the airplane (with respect to the ground, of course) in each of the three cases:
k=1, k1 and k<1.

10) Briefly discuss the Unsolved problem of “Bisection of a Triangle” with a Compass and an unmarked ruler if the triangle is named as KASHMIR.

Kahaani poori filmi hai bhaiiiiiii..!

Being a self-confessed filmi keeda, I cannot help but keep returning to bollywood day in and day out. Catching an old flick on cable, there are many moments when I cringe/laugh/shudder/cry at the unintentional emotions brought out by the characters on the screen and at times, off screen too.

Well, this is just a random compilation of my reactions to our apna bollywood.

1. I  would love to invite Mohd. Aziz as my dinner guest and get my Bheja fried looking at his scrap book and asking him to sing ‘mard taangewala’ or for that matter ANY of his songs. The way this guy pronounced some of the words (specially ‘hai’ as in Maa kyun pareshaan hai, apni kismat pe hairaan hai..) I mean his idol Mohd Rafi would be shuddering in his grave. And for a long time in the 80s, I thought this guy was Rafi’s son! Goddammittt!

2. The Jagdeeps and Kader Khans and Asranis though talented reduced the so called ‘comedy’ to such slapstick levels that I cannot help but cringe. I have lost count of how many times I have seen the track of a comedian romancing an Upasana Singh/Aroona Irani/etc. in hide-n-seek moments inside her house with the girl’s baap being fooled. Couldn’t they think of anything else???

3. If you have seen movies of 70s or 80s, there were 2-3 child artistes who looked so similar to me that I couldn’t make out who is munna and who is munni. I mean I know for a child, you just need to change knickers to frocks to make him a ‘she’ and vice versa, but still child artistes and their roles were treated so shabbily, that I want to slap the movie makers of that era. Precocious to the core, crying and wiping tears at the drop of a hat, and being given toffeeeee or chocolate by every adult in the house. I never actually saw these bachchas eating cereals in the movie. Guess they survived on the chocolates and toffees.

4. The court scenes! yeah yeah. I know you know what I mean. We’ve seen it all and discussed it all. I have never actually visited a court room for real and don’t really know. But , just like Jagdish Raj never got out of the police officer attire even in his bed while making love to his wife, some of the actors never got out of the black coats of Judge or Advocate. Why, oh why they always adjourned the hearing to ‘agale somvaar’ when they could have wrapped it up then and there ? Maybe the judge needed a long weekend to holiday or just went on a long bio break. Whatever!

There are n number of such moments I myself  have but I guess I shall adjourn it till ‘agale somvaar’ and its time for all the munnas and munnis to share their thoughts and I promise them a handful of chocolates in return!

Recession brings biggies to your neighbourhood!

Shop # 1:
Ronnie Screwvala’s  Hardware Stores and ‘You-Tea-We’ chai shop

Shop # 2:
Abbas Tyrewala puncture repair – Maane tu Ya maane Na (Believe it or Not!)

Shop # 3:
A R ‘Muruga-Dossa’India‘s first Non vegetarian south Indian restaurant

Shop # 4:
Bejan Daruwala Desi wine shop –Drink desi Wine
and

Forget your future in 2009 !

Shop # 5:
Karan Johari – Jewellery shop (Its all about loving your pendants!)

Shop # 6 :
Abhisheks MilkShakes – with BUN, TEA and BUBBLE(E) absolutely free (yeah yeah yeah I made it rhyme too)

Shop#7 :
Kareenas Tatoos – with SAIF needles ( and hold on… no no no pun, or double meaning intended)

Shop # 8:
Hrithik RationsKaho Na Pyaaz Hai!

Shop # 9:
Emraan Hashmi Dawakhana – We specialise in Badaam – Kisser Chyawanprash

Shop# 10:
Mahesh Bhutta – Only the best buttered corny stuff available here

Shop# 11:
Subhash Ghee and OilsTel se Tel milaao…

Shop # 12:

Salmon Can’s Canned Salmons + Arbooze Can’s Canned Beer outlet – Food that is CANtagious…

Shop # 13:

ShatruGUN Sinners Arms & Ammunition shop – First Josh, then Behosh and finally Khaamosh

Shop # 14 :

GoWINDah’s Table and Ceiling Fan Shop – Techicolour fans that will cool you but leave you blinded for life….(we also sell a Boppy Lahiri model with encrusted cheap flashy stones)

Shop # 15 :

Amitabh Watch n Ward – specialist in BIG, blog outsourcing and

watch (slum)dogging

Shop # 16 :

Nagesh Cook-u-Noor’s cheap Thai food Restaurant.

Shop # 17:

Ratan Bhai Tattoo – We use invisible ink made using nano-technology.

Shop # 18:

Laxmi Metal – World’s largest dealer in junk and scrap.

Shop # 19:

Roma Lingerie (By Raju) –  Finally, we’ve started believing in transparency!

Shop # 20:

Mallika’s Sherbat – Finger Lickin’ Good!

Shop # 21:

Aram Gonepal Varma’s  management Consultancy- How to run a Company, manage a Contract, Nishabd-ly screw the Sarkar , finally Phoonk the profits, Daud to Jungle and stay Mast.

Shop # 22:

King Shriek Can– Desi I scream parlour.

Special flavours include- Kabhi Kulpi kabhi Gam, Kabhi Almond na kehna, Swedish, Tub ne bana di Jodi, Cone Banega Crorepati,

Shop # 23:

AmirCan Gent SaloonFor variety of hairstyles

Special offer- One Ghajini cutting  free with one Mangal Pande cutting.

Shop # 24:

Ice Oriya Wry – Specialist Dry Cleaners

Special discounted rate for Watch n Wards

Shop # 25:

Govinda’s Dho-Bindass: Dhobi No. 1.

Shop # 26:

PriceWaterhouse Capers – Planners and executers of large scale heists