50 Weird Things To Do Inside An Elevator

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”

2. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.

3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”

4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.

9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: “I’ve got new socks on!”

10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!”

11. Meow occasionally.

12. Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.

13. Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.

14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.

15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it.

16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “is that your beeper?”

17. Say “Ding!” at each floor.

18. Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.

19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”

21. Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”

22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

23. Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.

24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.

Naming

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, “Mummy, why is my name Petal?”

The mother replied, “Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head.”

The next baby walked up and asked, “Mummy why is my name Rose?” she replied,

“Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head.”

The last baby walked up to her and said, “BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY.”

The mother replied, “Please be quiet, Refrigerator.”

5 practical ways to piss off the System Admin

Five sure-shot ways to piss off the System Administrator/ IT Villain

1.  Send purchase request for expensive Licensed software applications and insist without them you are not able to perform your tasks. After 2 days ask him if he can just upgrade your mouse instead.

2.  Take a screenshot of a complicated excel file and save it as your desk-top wall paper. Close all the program windows. Then call the sys-admin saying your computer is not responding. When he discovers its a screenshot, look worried and ask him to change your login password.

3.  Put up a complaint saying your internet connection is slow. When he comes to check, casually ask if the coffee that spilled over the keyboard yesterday, has anything to do with it. Mention specifically that the coffee was black and without sugar and if mozilla firefox is more coffee-proof than Internet Explorer.

4.  Request for a new DVD case. Call up the sys-admin asking if it’s alright to open the pack at home or anywhere else, as the pack mentions ‘Open it Here’.

5.  Find out when is the next weekend system shutdown. Call up system admin during peak shutdown period and ask him if it was him who was driving a white car in western suburbs’ link road with many kids inside. Ask him if all the kids belong to him. Don’t forget to mention that you are sorry to bother him at his personal time and wish him a good weekend.

License to Veil

*duh*

*duh*

And everyone laughed when they showed Manoj Kumar covering his face with his palm in Om Shanti Om !

Oh well….there were FIVE of them on a World Tour!

Weirdistan, meri Jaan

Safety ruptured

Safety ruptured

dnarB stropS

dnarB stropS

Now that's really important !

Now that's really important !

helmetaphor

helmetaphor

Long Day Basanti !

Long Day Basanti !

For Emargensi

For Emargensi

Makes good sense this.

Makes good sense this.

Coinnecting Chappal

Connecting Chappal

Ronald ki dukaan.

Ronald ki dukaan.

Simple is idiotproof.

Simple is idiotproof.

Corporate Cost Control Policy

Dear All,

In the pretext of the present slowdown in the business and economic scenario, it is imperative that we need to curb our internal expenditure. While our intention and fullest of endeavor is to retain and nurture talents like you, but we can only achieve if we try to cut costs in all our functions. We would like to remind you of the idiom “A stitch in time saves nine”. To your benefit, thus, we are pleased to introduce our new corporate policies for everyone to take note and follow.

It must be understood that these policies shall be applicable immediately and all employees are expected to follow the same rigorously depending on their of their roles and hierarchal position. Any violation from the policies shall be escalated to the higher management in a systematic manner, which would be circulated to you later through a corporate presentation. It shall also be noted by everyone that these corporate policies shall be read in conjunction with Corporate Code of conduct (CCC) Corporate Dress Code (CDC) and Corporate Social Responsibilities (CSR).

It is found that most of the employees enjoy additional facilities provided by office which doesn’t have any direct bearing with the productivity. Guided by an internal survey result, we have concluded to implement the following measures with immediate effect.

  • The disposable plastic glasses kept near the coffee/ cold drink vending machines would be removed; Employees shall bring their own glass, mug, pitcher etc. The volume of the container should not exceed 300 ml, which would be approved by HR. Special application would be required, if someone wants to keep containers more than 400 ml, accompanied with a Doctor’s certificate. However pregnant ladies and HR staff can use containers upto 650 ml.
  • The soft drink vending machine would be removed from the cafeteria. Cold drink contains great quantity of sugar & intake of sugar is bad for health. Also it is found that the soft drinks are manly consumed by office boys, errand boys, courier guys and rats. Allowing rats inside office violate the CSR, hence the withdrawal of the facility.
  • Tea- coffee would be rationed henceforth. A requisition form shall be filled up for each tea coffee request & sent by email with copy to line manager. Upon line manager’s express approval and submission of hard copy of the email, the office boy would bring you tea/ coffee. In case line manager is traveling, please submit the ‘Indemnity Bond’ and attach with your request email. However, for entertaining guests, business partners & VIP visitors, the advance request mail should be marked to HR head, CFO and Head- Corporate affairs. In case you need to request more than 10 cups, approval from Chairman shall be required. Also note, extra glasses for visitors can be obtained (400 ml only) from Admin store, once the visitors ask for tea/ coffee.
  • Paper hand towels would be removed. Toilet tissue rolls however will be supplied @ 1 meter per person/ usage. The policy and process would be the same for recycles cups. Recycle old newspapers in case of emergency.

  • All CD & DVD writers, Pen drives are also disabled. External hard disks violate CCC, hence banned. You shall use the intranet for uploading your official files to be written on CD or call IT helpdesk. Your request would be catered by (first in first out) FIFO basis.
  • Chairs for secretaries and PA’s are counted as extra. Most of the bosses are busy in meetings and the chairs are empty for 80% of the working hours. Most bosses have confirmed their cooperation and comfort regarding with sharing the same chair with their female colleagues, in case of urgent tasks to be performed. In case of same sex situation the secretary is encouraged to practice working while standing. The best achiever would be declared “Horse of the year” on company annual day.
  • In case of high priority outstation meetings where data exchange is envisaged, the senior most team member may ask for specific permission for such exchange. A representative from IT department shall travel with and assist the team on site for CD writing for such special purpose. The travel of IT personnel would be treated as deprivation than prerogative and thus s/he should be entitled to travel business class, as per CCC, special provisions.
  • Employees using laptop may opt for exchanging that with a desktop computer. All senior employees who have already opted for ‘chair free secretary’ policy will by default be withdrawn from laptop facilities. In such cases multi tasking is encouraged as per CCC.
  • An IT audit would be conducted every month to check unofficial content on your computer. Any music, picture, presentation, document not directly related to the employee’s job responsibility, shall be treated as unofficial content. Also, it is to be noted that people like Salman Khan/ Brad Pitt and  Katrina Kaif/ Sharon Stone can not treated as ‘ Role model’ and used as desk top wall paper.
  • All employees are requested to return the I Pod Nano’s given away in the last Annual Day function, as a gesture towards CSR at these trying times. It should be well maintained and in working condition, failing which the depreciated value of the instrument would be deducted from next month’s salary. A camp of taking back the Ipods has been arranged by HR personnel followed by office sponsored lunch.
  • The Blackberries would be taken back too. Those who use Blackberries need to use laptops, those using laptop shall be given desktops and those who are using desktops would be issued typewriters and calculators.

  • Traveling shall be only on need basis. Special permission shall be required from the line manager for destinations like Bangkok, Amsterdam, Goa and Mulund.
  • For outstation lodging three employees shall stay in one double room. Who shall sleep on the floor can be decided through an official brawl/ catfight as the case may be. Women employees may carry their own bedding for convenience.
  • Consumption of alcoholic beverages would not be reimbursed anymore unless it is proved that such consumption has resulted into signing a deal which the company would not have able to strike otherwise. However, if such deals get awry later the concerned employee(s) shall be subjected to violation of CCC, for allowing the business partner coming to his senses.

  • Paper Shredders would be removed. Employees are encouraged to tear off useless documents. Study shows, this activity also helps to fight work related stress.
  • Wearing skimpy, short and undersized outfits won’t be treated as sign of recession. When we say our simplicity and transparency is our policy we don’t mean the same to be adapted as dress code. Refer CDC for more clarity.
  • The Air-conditioning system shall be regulated. The AC system shall be turned on at 10 am and shut down for 45 mins every 2 hours excluding 1 hour during lunchtime. AC would be shut off for the day at 7 pm. Employees may bring their own hand fans and other manually operated apparatus. Electrically operated table fans etc won’t be allowed.
  • The entire lighting system is being modified and much sophisticated advanced futuristic motion sensors would be put in place. A very reputed international lighting consultant has been appointed who shall design the internal lighting system. The proposed system would have intelligent state of the art hardware to continuously map the headcount and proximity of employees and turn on/ off the lights based on occupancy ratio. We are also changing the entire electrical cabling for compatibility. This change is expected to bring huge savings in electricity bills after 25 years. However, lights would be put off during lunchtime, except for cafeteria.
  • The gym would be converted to HR training centre.
  • The shower room would be converted to HR meeting room.
  • Pool table to be removed and added to HR department.
  • The audio-visual room would be converted to restricted access HR cubicles.
  • TV room to be converted to cabin for HR Head.

Expecting your co-operation to sail through the tough times smoothly.

Thank you

Warm regards,

Head – Admin and HR

Ode to the most important people in my life

There is my bai called Sundar1

Who is more of a nature’s blunder

She sweeps the floor

And knocks on the door

Just when to sleep I surrender

(1: Name same, bai still the same!)


There was also my cook called Anmol2

Who made in my pockets many hole

The Roti she would make

The policemen used to take

To be used as torture weapon against the foul

(2: Name changed to protect her identity. She is now thinking of joining Anti Terrorist Squad to teach em a lesson)


There was a watchman, Bahadur3 was his name

Sleeping was one of his favourite game

Some people came to steal

Even his pants they could peel

And all the while he was in the dream frame

(3: Name changed to protect HIS identity since I heard he has joined DREAMZ UNLIMITED inc and is doing good)


My driver, Deewan4, was his name

Formula 1 was his only aim

While he drove on the roads

There were heart-attack loads

And on rain he would put the blame

(4. Name changed to protect MY identity)


The receptionist in my office was called Sweety5

As per some men, she was cute and pretty

She would giggle, she would smile

And all the while

She would bat her eyelashes like a tweety

(5: Name varies as per the department 😛 What’s her name in your area? 😉


p.s.   Post was updated to let the readers in on the the current state of the various affairs.