Gender War

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM” He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”

“Yep,” the wife replied , ” in-laws”

WOMEN’S  REVENGE

“Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

“So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.

“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”

W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man’s 15,000.

The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”

The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”

Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”

Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.” So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ………..”HEBREWS”

Dirty talks

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

“Well,” said her mother, “so – how was the honeymoon?” “Oh, mama,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…”

Suddenly she burst out crying. “But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language – things I’d never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home… PLEASE MAMA!”

“Sarah, Sarah,” her mother said, “calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?” “Please don’t make me tell you, mama,” wept the daughter, “I’m so embarrassed – they’re just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!!”

“Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset… Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!”

Still sobbing, the bride said, “Oh, mama… words like:

DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK…”!

Quick Wisdom

When I was born, I got a choice – A big dick or a good memory. I am not able to remember, what did I choose.

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – don’t and stop, unless they are used together.

Panties are not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

There are three stages to sex in a person’s life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

Virginity can be cured.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner,you’d better have a good hand.

I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

Q: What’s an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and She was happy with the Thing……

Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn’t.

Teacher: Use “harassment” in a sentence.
Johnny: Her mouth said ‘no’, but her ass meant ‘yes’.

Q: What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ?
A: Breasts don’t have eyes.

Of course you’ve heard about the Viagra! computer virus, it turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard disk.

Despite the old saying, “Don’t take your troubles to bed”, many men still sleep with their wives !!!.

The Guy Dictionary

“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”
Translated: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

“UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR”
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN”
Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”

“I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT’S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.”
Translated: “That girl standing on the corner is a real babe.”

“TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD.”
Translated: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU,AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.”
Translated: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”

“OH, DON’T FUSS – I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT’S NO BIG DEAL.”
Translated: “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death
before I admit that I’m hurt.”

“I CAN’T FIND IT.”
Translated: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely
clueless.”

“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?”
Translated: “What did you catch me at?”

“I HEARD YOU.”
Translated: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the
next three days yelling at me.”

“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.”
Translated: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be
worse.”

“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.”
Translated: “Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.”

“I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.”
Translated: “No one will ever see us alive again.”

Birthday Bash

A wife decides to take her husband to a dance bar for his birthday.

They arrive at the bar and the doorman says, “Hey, Rahul! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh, no,” says Rahul. “He’s travels with me on the same local.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Rahul if he’d like his usual and brings over a Kingfisher. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Kingfisher ?” “She travels in the same local too, honey. We share cabs with them.”

A dancer then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Rahul, and says “Hi Janemann, want your usual dhak dhal ya phir choli ke peechhe wala thumka?”

Rahul’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Rahul follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the dancer must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in and outside  the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Oye bidu, lagta hai aaj raat palang-tod maal uthaya, kya ?”

Happiness quotients.

Men Are Just Happier People– You know why?

Your get to keep your last name.
The garage is all yours.
Nobody messes with the junk in the corner.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a yellow T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
The world is your urinal.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You do not need to worry about your waist.
Same work, more pay. Hurray!
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
Or stare at your bums behind your back.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks, guns, aircraft.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can unscrew all your own bottles.
You freely appreciate crude jokes.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You are a born driver.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don’t need to worry even if your hair cease to exist.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
You don’t really need to worry about the fourth drink at a cocktail party.
You ONLY have to shave your face.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet, one belt and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.
Everything on your face stays in its original color.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. Or a beard.
You can do shopping for 25 relatives in 25 minutes.
One after-shave. Deo is optional. Period.
No wonder men are happier.

SPOT THE SIMILARITIES

*Caption Wanted*