Phone Sex

Got as a forward and found the source in internet.

Humour, like I said is always at the cost of someone else’s offense…..

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Customer Service INXS

The result of some excessive customer service…

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests last year. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to the Sunday Times.

Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,

S. Berman

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Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off.

I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.

This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily.

I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

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Dear Maid
I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.

I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won’t need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in the way when shaving, brushing teeth etc.

Please remove them.

S. Berman

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Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service.

I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.

If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you.

Elaine Carmen Housekeeper

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Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don’t get back before 5:30 or 6.00 PM. That’s the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap.

The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left other 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf.

In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

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Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and to remove the extra soaps.

If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM.

Thank you,

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

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Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing.

Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather.

I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

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Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.

I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.

The situation will be rectified immediately.

Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager

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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?

I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don’t want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather.

Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here?

All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather.

Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.

S. Berman

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Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed.

Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily.

I don’t know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays

plus the 3 daily Camays.

I don’t know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen Housekeeper

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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.

As of today I possess:

* On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

* On the Kleenex dispenser – 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.

* On the bedroom dresser – 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

* Inside the medicine cabinet – 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

* In the shower soap dish – 6 Camay, very moist.

* On the northeast corner of the tub – 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.

* On the northwest corner of the tub – 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries?

One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather, which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

Medical Terms Redefined

Have you heard of Mr. Santa Singh applying to a medical school to become a
doctor? Needless to say he never made it. Do you know why?

These are the answers he wrote in his entrance exam:

Antibody – against everyone
Artery – The study of the paintings.
Bacteria – back door to a cafeteria.
Caesarean section – a district in Rome.
Cardiology – advance study of poker playing.
Cat scan – searching for lost kitty.
Chronic – neck of a crow.
Coma – punctuation mark.
Cortisone – area around local court.
Cyst – short for sister.
Diagnosis – person with slanted nose.
Dilate – the late British Princess Diana.
Dislocation – in this place.
Duodenum – couple in blue jeans.
Enema – not a friend.
Fake labour – pretending to work.
Genes – blue denim.
Hernia – she is close by.
Impotent – distinguished/well known.
Labour pain – hurt at work.
Lactose – people without toes.
Lymph – walk unsteadily.
Microbes – small dressing gown.
Obesity – city of Obe.
Pacemaker – winner of Nobel peace prize.
Proteins – in favour of teens.
Pulse – grain.
Pus – small cat.
Red blood count – Dracula.
Secretion – hiding anything.
Tablet – small table.
Ultrasound – radical noise.
Urine – opposite of you’re out.
Varicose – very close

The Guy Dictionary

“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”
Translated: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

“UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR”
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN”
Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”

“I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT’S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.”
Translated: “That girl standing on the corner is a real babe.”

“TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD.”
Translated: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU,AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.”
Translated: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”

“OH, DON’T FUSS – I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT’S NO BIG DEAL.”
Translated: “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death
before I admit that I’m hurt.”

“I CAN’T FIND IT.”
Translated: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely
clueless.”

“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?”
Translated: “What did you catch me at?”

“I HEARD YOU.”
Translated: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the
next three days yelling at me.”

“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.”
Translated: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be
worse.”

“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.”
Translated: “Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.”

“I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.”
Translated: “No one will ever see us alive again.”

Apology Letter

Received by mail. Author unknown.

A School Master from a remote rural area was transferred to a new School in Mumbai. He reported for duty two days after the actual date of joining. Consequently he was asked for an explanation in writing…

……………………………..
Deer sur,

If small small mistakes getting inside my letter, I big you pardon, ass I am not a good englis speaker.  This is my fist vijit to Bombai. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly,but for the following region, too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment.
I tolded I has head ache problem due to migration. Still the clerk rejected to give ticket to I and my sun.

I putted a complain on station masterji.  He said I to go to the lady clerk.

At first she also rejected. I then pressed for long time and finally with great difficulty she gave a birth to my sun.

Anyway I thanked the station master also because he was phully responsible for getting birth of my sun.

Ass a hole it was a bhery diphicult experiment in my hole life.

I hope u will look into explain my hole story after,and late me joint first.

I am now ending this fastly. I am a waiter for your sponsement.

May God blast you!”

……………………………………….

You can read an essay on a training centre of  such Effluent Engilsh by Prof. Shakarotti.

Funny Clippings

Any other words you can think of? 😀

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Apology puzzle?

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No recession worries for this guy!

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Indian Corporate Angrezi

We Indians love to use Angrezi (Indian term for English) at offices. Angrezi makes us feel more evolved. Over times regionally people have invented their desi ishtyle of angrezi. There’s extremely popular Hinglish among college students, Bonglish spoken liberally from Writer’s building to Lok Sabha. The Southern Inglisha demands a different  magnitude of research attention.

However, in this post I want to introduce, something called Corporate Desi Angrezi. These are small priceless phrases of ‘English’ thrown in between conversations at meetings, with the boss during performance evaluation, while negotiating business deals etc. Only difficulty is when these little gems are uttered by the desi- angrez colleague in a meeting, I wish either I could evaporate into thin air or at least hide under the table.

Few examples may throw some light. All examples are taken from real life incidences.

A ‘ground to earth’ person is a guy who can be verbally pressurized and negotiated to his underpants but he’s still willing to sit and discuss the deal with you further.

If a document looks too heavy and complicated, it can always be ‘tamed down’. Quite logical, as we do use another popular phrase called “paper tiger”.

At the begining of an introductory meeting, adding a  very humble ” If may I ask ” before any query sounds a lot sweeter, even if it is about how the promoters are “enjoying the credit facilities.” [ Honestly, does anyone ever ‘enjoy’ a credit ? ]

To add that extra weight to the final verdict on any issue using “Let me allow YOU to tell YOU” and while the listener is trying to solve the paradox, quickly changing the topic, is found to be an extremely successful way to steal the attention.

However, I have seen people being unbelievable polite, asking “if I am permitted to be listened”. In all probability, he is always permitted.

Some issues which are found to be of critical nature while finalizing a deal, are always ‘path-breaking’. Unfortunately, deals with many path-breaking potential never gets closed.

‘Hope everything is fine FROM your end‘ at the onset of an email surely makes one wonder the good health of their ‘ends’.

Finally adding the liberal and random ‘The’ to the angrezi makes them the complete desi.

Will keep adding here as and when I gather more.

Do check the ‘Da Kaddu®’ cartoon series for more such examples.