Abortive Effort

I received this hilarious piece on mail today. I don’t know who has written this. If someone can provide me a link i will be happy to acknowledge it.

My wife is an ENT Surgeon while I am a Gynecologist. This can lead to some complications, as I recently learned to my anguish.

A General Practitioner called me up and told me that she is sending a patient of hers for an abortion. Unknown to me, she had also referred a female with ear wax for removal of the wax to my wife.

I duly informed the receptionist to send the patient right in as she was expected (and expecting!) As Murphy lays down the laws of our hospital, it was but natural that the patient who wanted the wax removed from her ear, landed up with me. This is the conversation that I had with the patient.

“Please come in. Be seated.” I said with a big smile. I always have a big smile, when I am going to earn some money. The patient gave a feeble smile and sat hesitantly on the edge of the chair. “Relax.” “Doctor, will this hurt a lot?” “Not at all.”

The patient relaxed visibly. “You know something, Doctor, we tried removing it at home, but failed.”

I was shocked. “Thank God. Trying this at home can cause serious complications.” “I first tried to remove it by jumping up and down, but it just wouldn’t budge.” I smiled and said, “If it were that easy, who would need doctors?”

She gave a cute smile and said, “Yeah! My neighbor tried to remove it with his finger, but the hole is so small that he used a hair pin.” “Oh my God!” “Yes! My mother even tried a matchstick.” My blood pressure was shooting skywards. I just sputtered without uttering a word.

“Tell me, doctor, how do I avoid getting this dirt inside me?” I knew that it was an unwanted pregnancy, but calling it dirt was too much. I replied a bit angrily, “There are tablets which can prevent this happening. Or you could use protection at night.”

Now it was the patient’s turn to be confused, “You mean to say that it happens only at night?” I saw her point. “No! No! I meant anytime of the day, whenever you are in the mood, you should use protection.”

She was even more confused, “It depends on my moods?” Again I saw her point.. “My mistake. You need not be in any sort of mood. It just happens.” “My neighbor advised me to go to one of those chaps who sit by the roadside.” “You mean that pin man?” “Yeah!”

This neighbor of hers seemed to be a very dangerous man. Besides using pins, he was sending her to such quacks. The only safety he knew was among the pins.. “You were wise not to heed his advice.” “But I tried his other advice. He told me to put warm oil inside and wait. However, that also did not work.”

This was getting more and more bizarre. Her neighbor deserved to be locked up either in a padded cell or a barred one. “But have you taken your husband’s permission?”

Now the patient looked confused. “Do I have to take my husband’s permission? Because if you need his sign, he is working in Dubai . We were not able to meet for the last one year.”

It was my turn to be shocked. I gave a sly smirk. It was one of ‘those’ cases.. The pin-wielding neighbor, seemed to me the usual suspect. I reassured her. “No! No! The husband’s sign is not at all needed.”

“However, I did inform him on phone.” Her husband seemed to me a very broad-minded fellow. I didn’t know whether to congratulate her or to commiserate with her. So I hastily turned to other aspects. “Its good that you came a bit early.” “Actually I wanted to come early in the morning, but I had some other work.”

“Oh! I did not mean early today. I meant that if you had delayed this removal, it would have started moving. Then it would have developed a heartbeat.” The patient was staring at me wide eyed as if watching a horror movie. Looking at her face, I decided that she was not fit to listen to the grotesque details. I decided to relieve her a bit. I said, “You will bleed a bit, but only for a few days.”

By now, the poor patient was trembling, “how-H-How much bleeding?” “Oh, only slightly more than your menstrual period, and it will continue only for a week or so.”

By now the patient was clutching her hair in her fingers ad staring at me wide-eyed. I asked her soothingly, “Why don’t you lie down on the examination table? Remove your clothes and relax.”

This was the final straw. She didn’t even wish me goodbye. I saw just a blur of motion leaving my consulting room at top speed.

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Gender of Non-living Things

MALE OR FEMALE?

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Surely male, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their arse.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they’ve hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying!

Fridge

One morning at a doctor’s surgery a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him “OK, what happened to your back?”

The patient replies “You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him,That’s how I strained my back”

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said “My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible.What the hell happened to you?”

He replied, “You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you
won’t believe it but I was hit by a fridge.”

The 3rd patient arrives; he  looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked.
Again asks, “What the hell happened to youuuuuu…. .?”

“Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor”

Newlyweds

Worn Out ?

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.

Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, “What’s that?”, pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, “Well, that’s what we had so much fun with last night.”

And she, in amazement, asked, “Is that all we have left?”

********

Warming Up

A young couple, married just a couple weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying.

So the husband inquires “What’s wrong Honey?”

“Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast but I can’t cook or clean.”

The husband smiles his biggest smile and says “There, there sweetie! I don’t care that you can’t cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I’ll show you what I’d like for breakfast.”

So, off they went to the bedroom.

That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. “What’s wrong now, Sweetie?”

“Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can’t cook.”

Again, the husband smiles and says “Why don’t you come back up to the bedroom and I’ll have my lunch there!”

So, off they went to the bedroom again.

That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride sliding down the banister of the stairs naked. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister.

After the third trip the husband asks “What the heck are you doing honey?”

To which the new bride replies “Warming up your supper!”

*****

Most Beautiful Night

On his honeymoon, a very thick South African Boer farmer, Piet Kruger, insisted on having a room with a balcony overlooking the sea.

On retiring for the night after the wedding, his new bride emerged from the bathroom dressed in some very sexy lingerie.

“Ag Hendrik, come in off the balcony and see what I have waiting for you to savor for the first time” she said coyly.

“No thanks, I want to sit out here,” he said.

So Marie sat down brushing her golden hair for 10 minutes after which she invited Hendrik once more to come in off the balcony to take pleasure of her virginal body. Once more he refused. Eventually Marie grew tired of waiting and she retired to the wedding bed and fell asleep.

In the morning, she awoke to find him still sitting on the balcony.

“Why did you spend the whole night out there when you could have been making love all night?” she asked.

“Well my pa said the first night of my marriage would be the most beautiful night of my whole life – and I didn’t want to miss a moment of it.”

Pulse or enjoying life ?

Q: If a sexy girl faints, which part would you examine first ?

Hint: Pu_s_

A: Boys who answered Pulse became Doctors. Others enjoyed life.

The above sms was forwarded to a humorous Doctor.

The following was his reply-

Correction please. Boys who answered Pulse became Doctors and enjoyed life at will. Others  had to wait for girls to faint, before they could enjoy life.

Naming an Indian Baby

An Indian was working in Mumbai and didn’t meet his wife for four years while his wife was in his native town somewhere in India.

At the end of 4 years he distributed sweets to his colleagues in office stating that his wife had delivered a son.

His colleagues were quite shocked and they asked how this “Happy event” happened when he had not seen his wife for four years…

The man said it is common in his small town that neighbours take care of the wife (good Samaritans) when men are away.

The colleagues asked him, “What name will you give to the son?”

The man explained, “If its the second neighbour who has taken care,then the name would be “DWIVEDI”;

If it is the third neighbour then it would be “TRIVEDI”,

If it is the fourth neighbour then it would be “CHATURVEDI”;

If its the fifth neighbour then it would be “PANDEY”…

After listening to this, questions followed.

What if it is a mixture of neighbours?
“Then the boy would be named “MISHRA”…

And what if the wife is too shy to tell the name of the neighbour?
Then it would be “SHARMA”…

But what if she refuses to divulge the name of the neighbour?
Then the name of the child would be “GUPTA”…

If she does not remember the name then?
“It is YAAD-AV”

But who knows whether the child resulted from a rape?
Then it will be named “DOSHI”…

Finally, if the child happened because of wife’s burning desire?
Then he will be named “JOSHI”…

And if the whole country had made efforts for the happy arrival?….
“DESHPANDEY.”

Gay’s Baby

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.

Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the gays’ delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.

“Isn’t it wonderful?” Brad exclaims. “All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy.”

The nurse says, “He’s happy now. But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass.”