Balls Inspector

I recovered this gem from my mail archive. I had received this mail on August 2004.

This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.

The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.

I don’t know how they wrote this with a straight face.

‘If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.’

Interesting Phone Conversation

While searching for some old mail, found this from my mailbox. I got this through a forward mail on February 2004.

At least, forward mails were way better those days 🙂

Here goes the transcript-

K-“Who’s calling?”
W-“Watt.”
K-“What is your name, please?”
W-“Watt’s my name.”
K-“That’s what I asked you. What’s your name?”
W-“That’s what I told you. Watt’s my name.”

A long pause, and then from Watt,

W-“Is this James Brown?”
K-“No, this is Knott.”
W-“Please tell me your name.”
K-“Will Knott.”
W-Why not?
K-Huh? What do you mean why not?
W-Yeah! Why won’t you tell me your name?
K-But I told you my name!
W-Didn’t you say you will not?
K-Not not, knott, Will Knott!
W-That’s what I mean.
K-So you know my name.
W-Of course not!
K-Good. So now, what is yours?
W-Watt. Yours?
K-Your name!
W-Watt’s my name.
K-How the hell do I know? I am asking you!
W-Look I have been very patient and I have told you my
name and you have not even told me yours yet.
K-You have been patient, what about me? I have told
you my name so many times and it is you who have not
told me yours yet.
W-Of course not!
K-See, you even know my name!
W-Of course not!
K-Then why do you keep saying of course Knott?
W-Because I don’t.

[Pause]

K-What is your name?
W-See, you know my name!
K-Of course not!
W-Then why do you keep asking Watt is your name?
K-To find out your name!
W-But you already know it!
K-What?
W-See, and you know mine!
K-Of course not!
W-Exactly!

K-Listen, listen, wait; if I asked you what your name
is, what will be your answer?
W-Watt’s my name.
K-No, no, give me only one word.
W-Watt
K-Your name!
W-Right!

[pause before it hits him]

K-Oh, Wright!
W-Yeah!
K-So why didn’t you say it before?
W-I told you so many times!
K-You never said Wright before
W-Of course I did.
K-Ok I won’t argue any more. Do you know my name?
W-I do not.
K-Well, there you go, now we know each other’s name.
W-I do not!
K-Good!

[pause before it hits him]

W-Oh, Guud!
K-Good.
W-No wonder, it took me so long, is that Dutch?
K-No, it’s Knott!
W-Oh, okay. At least the names are clear now Guud.
K-Yes Wright.

Birthday Bash

A wife decides to take her husband to a dance bar for his birthday.

They arrive at the bar and the doorman says, “Hey, Rahul! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh, no,” says Rahul. “He’s travels with me on the same local.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Rahul if he’d like his usual and brings over a Kingfisher. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Kingfisher ?” “She travels in the same local too, honey. We share cabs with them.”

A dancer then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Rahul, and says “Hi Janemann, want your usual dhak dhal ya phir choli ke peechhe wala thumka?”

Rahul’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Rahul follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the dancer must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in and outside  the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Oye bidu, lagta hai aaj raat palang-tod maal uthaya, kya ?”

Weirdistan, meri Jaan

Safety ruptured

Safety ruptured

dnarB stropS

dnarB stropS

Now that's really important !

Now that's really important !

helmetaphor

helmetaphor

Long Day Basanti !

Long Day Basanti !

For Emargensi

For Emargensi

Makes good sense this.

Makes good sense this.

Coinnecting Chappal

Connecting Chappal

Ronald ki dukaan.

Ronald ki dukaan.

Simple is idiotproof.

Simple is idiotproof.

PAKISTANI MATHS QUESTION PAPER

Got this in mail today, author unknown.

Instructions:

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i) Students found copying will be shot on the spot.
ii)Any student coming late after 10 minutes after the exam starts will be forced to join Al Qayda group.
iii)AK-47’s and Grenades are not allowed in the exam hall. Students may keep their daggers, Revolvers and pack of anthrax bombs only for self defense.
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Math Exam

Time 3 hours

Full Marks 100
All questions are compulsory.

1. Abdul was sent to jail for murder .He has 7 wives in his house.
Abdul distributed money to his wives in such a proportion that the youngest and most recent wife receives maximum and oldest wife gets minimum, and each wife gets double of her former competitor. Abdul has 1700 Rupaye left in his house. Abdul’s oldest wife needs atleast 25 rupaye per month. Find out the time when Abdul will have to break Jail to come out and earn money so that his wives do not starve.

2. Karim is a Drug seller. Prices per gram of Marijuana, hasis, haroine and LHD s are 50, 60,70,80 Rupaye respectively. Karim offers a discount of Rupaye 20 for his buyers who buys more than 50 grams of drug. If Rahim , a buyer gets Rupaye 37 discount , find out the grams of LHD he bought.

3. Imran tampers the ball thrice per over. He deforms the ball .02% of its original shape each time . Find the percentage deformation the ball due to tampering in a one day series against India in which Imran bowled 9.3 overs.

4. Rauf has a Company named Al Allah Kidnapping & Murder Private Limited. He has to threat 10 people per day over Telephone. 40% of the people he threats are cinema stars in Mumbai, 30% are Businessman in Delhi, 20% are Cricket Players in Madras and 10% are shopkeepres in Calcutta . If ISD charges are rupaye 15, 25, 40, 50 per minute from Rauf’s city Islamabad to Bombay, Delhi,Calcutta and Madras respectively and he gets a Telephone bill of 10,230 Rupaya in a month Find out The No of Cinema stars in Mumbai ,threatened in that particular month.

5. A terrorist group has to provide one Ak 47.one AK 49,one Rocket Launcher, 50 Grenades and one pack of RDX to its Ron roots for training.One AK 47 costs 100$; One Ak 49 costs 150 $,A Bazuka rocket Launcher costs 250 $ , grenade is 3 $ each, a pack of Rdx Bomb attached with remote Control is 500 $.
The terrorist group admits 2000 new people every year out of which 30 % are court-martialed. Find the amt of Foreign Money Pakistan Govt has to provide each year to run such a group.

6. If stabilty of democratic Govt. in pakistan is given by the following equation X exp3 +X exp2 -16 = i, where the notations have their usual meaning; Find out x.

7. Probaliblity of a Pakistani prime minister to be shot is 78 %.
Probabilty of a Military general to be shot is 80% .
Find the joint probability of a Prime minister to be shot who is also a Military general.

8.) Find out geometrically the area of Paktunistaan using PI Theorem with Osama BIn Ladens Correction (That is taking the value of PI = 786 instead of 3.14….), if Paktunistaan is taken as a heptagon.

9) A ‘GHAURI’ missile tries to fly from Drass to Kargil which is not too far from Drass (say 100 miles) and is exactly to the East of Drass . The wind is blowing from the South and the speed of the wind is exactly equal to the speed of the airplane. (The speed of the airplane is measured with respect to the air!) The pilot decides to steer straight to Kargil all the time during the flight.
Will the airplane ever reach Kargil ? What if the speed of the wind is k times the speed of the airplane, where k is a positive number (can be greater or less than 1)? Try to sketch the trajectory of the airplane (with respect to the ground, of course) in each of the three cases:
k=1, k1 and k<1.

10) Briefly discuss the Unsolved problem of “Bisection of a Triangle” with a Compass and an unmarked ruler if the triangle is named as KASHMIR.

Funny Clippings

Any other words you can think of? 😀

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Apology puzzle?

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No recession worries for this guy!

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No Offence !!!

In a rustic jat lingo.. “Rehen do SirJi.. Ladees Driver hain.. hota hain” 🙂

Few stills on the same context….

and one more video, which is kinda IQ challenger 😉