Customer Service INXS

The result of some excessive customer service…

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests last year. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to the Sunday Times.

Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,

S. Berman

————————————————————-

Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off.

I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.

This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily.

I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

—————————————————————–

Dear Maid
I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.

I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won’t need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in the way when shaving, brushing teeth etc.

Please remove them.

S. Berman

—————————————————————–

Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service.

I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.

If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you.

Elaine Carmen Housekeeper

—————————————————————–

Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don’t get back before 5:30 or 6.00 PM. That’s the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap.

The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left other 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf.

In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

—————————————————————–

Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and to remove the extra soaps.

If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM.

Thank you,

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

—————————————————————–

Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing.

Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather.

I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

———————————————————————

Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.

I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.

The situation will be rectified immediately.

Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager

———————————————————————

Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?

I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don’t want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather.

Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here?

All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather.

Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.

S. Berman

———————————————————————

Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed.

Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily.

I don’t know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays

plus the 3 daily Camays.

I don’t know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen Housekeeper

——————————————————————-

Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.

As of today I possess:

* On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

* On the Kleenex dispenser – 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.

* On the bedroom dresser – 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

* Inside the medicine cabinet – 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

* In the shower soap dish – 6 Camay, very moist.

* On the northeast corner of the tub – 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.

* On the northwest corner of the tub – 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries?

One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather, which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

Advertisements

Dirty Mind

It’s Just your Dirty Mind

I’m sure you can imagine
As plain as you can be
The place is Picadilly
The player is He and She

She whispered “Will it hurt me?”
“Of course not” answered he
“It’s a very simple process,
You can rely on me.”

She said “I’m frightened,
I’ve not had this before.
My friend has had it five times.
And said it can be sore.

Then finally contented
Laid back and relaxed a bit
Quickly and readily he bent over her
And then he started it.

It was growing rather painful
Tears formed in her eyes
It was hurting quite a bit now
It must have been quite a size

“Calm yourself” he whispered
His face was filled with a grin
“Try and open a bit wider
So I can get in.”

“It’s coming now.” he whispered.
“I know.” she cried in a bliss
Feeling it deep within her now
She said “I am glad I am having this..”

And with final effort
She gave a frightened shout.
He gripped it in anguish
And quickly pulled it out.

She lay back quite contented
Sighed and gave a smile
She said “I am glad I came now
You made it worth my while.”

.

.

.

Now if you read this carefully
The dentist you will find…
Is not what you imagined
It’s just your dirty mind!!!….

Medical Terms Redefined

Have you heard of Mr. Santa Singh applying to a medical school to become a
doctor? Needless to say he never made it. Do you know why?

These are the answers he wrote in his entrance exam:

Antibody – against everyone
Artery – The study of the paintings.
Bacteria – back door to a cafeteria.
Caesarean section – a district in Rome.
Cardiology – advance study of poker playing.
Cat scan – searching for lost kitty.
Chronic – neck of a crow.
Coma – punctuation mark.
Cortisone – area around local court.
Cyst – short for sister.
Diagnosis – person with slanted nose.
Dilate – the late British Princess Diana.
Dislocation – in this place.
Duodenum – couple in blue jeans.
Enema – not a friend.
Fake labour – pretending to work.
Genes – blue denim.
Hernia – she is close by.
Impotent – distinguished/well known.
Labour pain – hurt at work.
Lactose – people without toes.
Lymph – walk unsteadily.
Microbes – small dressing gown.
Obesity – city of Obe.
Pacemaker – winner of Nobel peace prize.
Proteins – in favour of teens.
Pulse – grain.
Pus – small cat.
Red blood count – Dracula.
Secretion – hiding anything.
Tablet – small table.
Ultrasound – radical noise.
Urine – opposite of you’re out.
Varicose – very close

5 practical ways to piss off the System Admin

Five sure-shot ways to piss off the System Administrator/ IT Villain

1.  Send purchase request for expensive Licensed software applications and insist without them you are not able to perform your tasks. After 2 days ask him if he can just upgrade your mouse instead.

2.  Take a screenshot of a complicated excel file and save it as your desk-top wall paper. Close all the program windows. Then call the sys-admin saying your computer is not responding. When he discovers its a screenshot, look worried and ask him to change your login password.

3.  Put up a complaint saying your internet connection is slow. When he comes to check, casually ask if the coffee that spilled over the keyboard yesterday, has anything to do with it. Mention specifically that the coffee was black and without sugar and if mozilla firefox is more coffee-proof than Internet Explorer.

4.  Request for a new DVD case. Call up the sys-admin asking if it’s alright to open the pack at home or anywhere else, as the pack mentions ‘Open it Here’.

5.  Find out when is the next weekend system shutdown. Call up system admin during peak shutdown period and ask him if it was him who was driving a white car in western suburbs’ link road with many kids inside. Ask him if all the kids belong to him. Don’t forget to mention that you are sorry to bother him at his personal time and wish him a good weekend.

Corporate Adjectives

These beaten to death  frequently used jargons are invariably found in CVs and Performance Appraisal forms.

Ever thought what they actually mean? I have tried to compile some of the best ones from various sources added with my own experience. Here goes-

3600 performer- buys drinks for boss & colleagues

Applies holistic approach- Can draw complicated flow charts

Asset for the organization- Comes early, leaves late

Can accept challenge- needy

Career minded- good in office politics

Careful thinker- beats around the bush and never takes any decision

Chequered path- Has many multiple unrelated degrees and hopped many jobs across radically different industries and settled for something s/he has never done before.

Cooperative- high libido, sexually starved

Creative thinker – Has a blog

Detail oriented- Micro manager

Diplomatic- under large personal debt obligations

Exceptionally good judgement- pure lucky

Expert – Have failed accomplishing the task once

Expressive- speaks English

Go getter- short tempered

Goal oriented- good in back stabbing

Good communication skills- Doesn’t hang up the phone before an hour

Good delegation power- screws subordinates to get job done

Good networking skills- Has 1000 connections in LinkedIn and Ryze

Great Presentation skills- Good with Power Point and can add background music

Great sense of humour- Has an archive of dirty jokes

Hard task master- sadist

Hard worker- Write long mails with time stamps 7: 22 Am and 9:52 pm with cc: all

Independent worker- Dumped employee with no work

IT savvy- finds ways to break firewall to chat from office

Knowledgeable – member of Stumbleupon, digg it, del.icio.us & Technorati and browses wikipedia

Lateral thinker- Weirdo

Loyal- dumped and can’t get a job elsewhere

Meticulous – proofchecks punctuation marks and formatting

Multitalented- Can sing and whistle

Organized- Stores all printouts out of sight and keeps desk clean

Outgoing Personality- Dates departmental colleagues

Positive thinker- Ass kisser

Possess leadership qualities- tall and has loud voice

Practical knowledge – Knows the source in Internet

Pro-active- orders the coffee in meeting

Proficient – Have successfully done it done it once

Quick Thinker- comes up with radical excuses within no time

Relaxed attitude- sleeps at desk

Smart- Knows to tie 3 types of knots and wears cufflinks

Socially active- Drinks a lot

Socially popular- has 1000 friends in Facebook and owns multiple communities

Team player- Leads the bitching and gossip during lunchtime

Unique skill set- Posses now obsolete diplomas

Use logic to deliver task- gets it done through someone else

Workaholic- No lifer who stays near office

Weirdistan, meri Jaan

Safety ruptured

Safety ruptured

dnarB stropS

dnarB stropS

Now that's really important !

Now that's really important !

helmetaphor

helmetaphor

Long Day Basanti !

Long Day Basanti !

For Emargensi

For Emargensi

Makes good sense this.

Makes good sense this.

Coinnecting Chappal

Connecting Chappal

Ronald ki dukaan.

Ronald ki dukaan.

Simple is idiotproof.

Simple is idiotproof.

How Bailout Packages Work

b1

b2

b3

b4

b51

b6

b7

b8

b9

b10

No Comments…..