Nine Beleivable Stories

Received on email from a friend.

(ONE)

Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. “We don’t have half dozen nuggets,” said the teenager at the counter. “You don’t?” I replied. “We only have six, nine, or twelve,” was the reply. “So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?

“That’s right.” So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

(TWO)

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those “dividers” that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the “divider”, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, “Do you know how much this is?” I said to her “I’ve changed my mind, I don’t think I’ll buy that today.” She said “OK,” and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

(THREE)

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM “thingy.”

(FOUR)

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. “Do you need some help?” I asked. She replied, “I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?”

“Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?” I asked. “No, just this remote thingy,” she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, “Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk.”

(FIVE )

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?” “Just use copier machine paper,” the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five “blank” copies.

(SIX )

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in “Twister.” I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the “cruise control” and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

(SEVEN )

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: “I’ve got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?”

(EIGHT)

Police in Radnor , Pa , interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message “He’s lying” was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed.

(NINE)

A mother calls 911 very worried, asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer….. Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency room!

Corporate Cost Control Policy

Dear All,

In the pretext of the present slowdown in the business and economic scenario, it is imperative that we need to curb our internal expenditure. While our intention and fullest of endeavor is to retain and nurture talents like you, but we can only achieve if we try to cut costs in all our functions. We would like to remind you of the idiom “A stitch in time saves nine”. To your benefit, thus, we are pleased to introduce our new corporate policies for everyone to take note and follow.

It must be understood that these policies shall be applicable immediately and all employees are expected to follow the same rigorously depending on their of their roles and hierarchal position. Any violation from the policies shall be escalated to the higher management in a systematic manner, which would be circulated to you later through a corporate presentation. It shall also be noted by everyone that these corporate policies shall be read in conjunction with Corporate Code of conduct (CCC) Corporate Dress Code (CDC) and Corporate Social Responsibilities (CSR).

It is found that most of the employees enjoy additional facilities provided by office which doesn’t have any direct bearing with the productivity. Guided by an internal survey result, we have concluded to implement the following measures with immediate effect.

  • The disposable plastic glasses kept near the coffee/ cold drink vending machines would be removed; Employees shall bring their own glass, mug, pitcher etc. The volume of the container should not exceed 300 ml, which would be approved by HR. Special application would be required, if someone wants to keep containers more than 400 ml, accompanied with a Doctor’s certificate. However pregnant ladies and HR staff can use containers upto 650 ml.
  • The soft drink vending machine would be removed from the cafeteria. Cold drink contains great quantity of sugar & intake of sugar is bad for health. Also it is found that the soft drinks are manly consumed by office boys, errand boys, courier guys and rats. Allowing rats inside office violate the CSR, hence the withdrawal of the facility.
  • Tea- coffee would be rationed henceforth. A requisition form shall be filled up for each tea coffee request & sent by email with copy to line manager. Upon line manager’s express approval and submission of hard copy of the email, the office boy would bring you tea/ coffee. In case line manager is traveling, please submit the ‘Indemnity Bond’ and attach with your request email. However, for entertaining guests, business partners & VIP visitors, the advance request mail should be marked to HR head, CFO and Head- Corporate affairs. In case you need to request more than 10 cups, approval from Chairman shall be required. Also note, extra glasses for visitors can be obtained (400 ml only) from Admin store, once the visitors ask for tea/ coffee.
  • Paper hand towels would be removed. Toilet tissue rolls however will be supplied @ 1 meter per person/ usage. The policy and process would be the same for recycles cups. Recycle old newspapers in case of emergency.

  • All CD & DVD writers, Pen drives are also disabled. External hard disks violate CCC, hence banned. You shall use the intranet for uploading your official files to be written on CD or call IT helpdesk. Your request would be catered by (first in first out) FIFO basis.
  • Chairs for secretaries and PA’s are counted as extra. Most of the bosses are busy in meetings and the chairs are empty for 80% of the working hours. Most bosses have confirmed their cooperation and comfort regarding with sharing the same chair with their female colleagues, in case of urgent tasks to be performed. In case of same sex situation the secretary is encouraged to practice working while standing. The best achiever would be declared “Horse of the year” on company annual day.
  • In case of high priority outstation meetings where data exchange is envisaged, the senior most team member may ask for specific permission for such exchange. A representative from IT department shall travel with and assist the team on site for CD writing for such special purpose. The travel of IT personnel would be treated as deprivation than prerogative and thus s/he should be entitled to travel business class, as per CCC, special provisions.
  • Employees using laptop may opt for exchanging that with a desktop computer. All senior employees who have already opted for ‘chair free secretary’ policy will by default be withdrawn from laptop facilities. In such cases multi tasking is encouraged as per CCC.
  • An IT audit would be conducted every month to check unofficial content on your computer. Any music, picture, presentation, document not directly related to the employee’s job responsibility, shall be treated as unofficial content. Also, it is to be noted that people like Salman Khan/ Brad Pitt and  Katrina Kaif/ Sharon Stone can not treated as ‘ Role model’ and used as desk top wall paper.
  • All employees are requested to return the I Pod Nano’s given away in the last Annual Day function, as a gesture towards CSR at these trying times. It should be well maintained and in working condition, failing which the depreciated value of the instrument would be deducted from next month’s salary. A camp of taking back the Ipods has been arranged by HR personnel followed by office sponsored lunch.
  • The Blackberries would be taken back too. Those who use Blackberries need to use laptops, those using laptop shall be given desktops and those who are using desktops would be issued typewriters and calculators.

  • Traveling shall be only on need basis. Special permission shall be required from the line manager for destinations like Bangkok, Amsterdam, Goa and Mulund.
  • For outstation lodging three employees shall stay in one double room. Who shall sleep on the floor can be decided through an official brawl/ catfight as the case may be. Women employees may carry their own bedding for convenience.
  • Consumption of alcoholic beverages would not be reimbursed anymore unless it is proved that such consumption has resulted into signing a deal which the company would not have able to strike otherwise. However, if such deals get awry later the concerned employee(s) shall be subjected to violation of CCC, for allowing the business partner coming to his senses.

  • Paper Shredders would be removed. Employees are encouraged to tear off useless documents. Study shows, this activity also helps to fight work related stress.
  • Wearing skimpy, short and undersized outfits won’t be treated as sign of recession. When we say our simplicity and transparency is our policy we don’t mean the same to be adapted as dress code. Refer CDC for more clarity.
  • The Air-conditioning system shall be regulated. The AC system shall be turned on at 10 am and shut down for 45 mins every 2 hours excluding 1 hour during lunchtime. AC would be shut off for the day at 7 pm. Employees may bring their own hand fans and other manually operated apparatus. Electrically operated table fans etc won’t be allowed.
  • The entire lighting system is being modified and much sophisticated advanced futuristic motion sensors would be put in place. A very reputed international lighting consultant has been appointed who shall design the internal lighting system. The proposed system would have intelligent state of the art hardware to continuously map the headcount and proximity of employees and turn on/ off the lights based on occupancy ratio. We are also changing the entire electrical cabling for compatibility. This change is expected to bring huge savings in electricity bills after 25 years. However, lights would be put off during lunchtime, except for cafeteria.
  • The gym would be converted to HR training centre.
  • The shower room would be converted to HR meeting room.
  • Pool table to be removed and added to HR department.
  • The audio-visual room would be converted to restricted access HR cubicles.
  • TV room to be converted to cabin for HR Head.

Expecting your co-operation to sail through the tough times smoothly.

Thank you

Warm regards,

Head – Admin and HR