Abortive Effort

I received this hilarious piece on mail today. I don’t know who has written this. If someone can provide me a link i will be happy to acknowledge it.

My wife is an ENT Surgeon while I am a Gynecologist. This can lead to some complications, as I recently learned to my anguish.

A General Practitioner called me up and told me that she is sending a patient of hers for an abortion. Unknown to me, she had also referred a female with ear wax for removal of the wax to my wife.

I duly informed the receptionist to send the patient right in as she was expected (and expecting!) As Murphy lays down the laws of our hospital, it was but natural that the patient who wanted the wax removed from her ear, landed up with me. This is the conversation that I had with the patient.

“Please come in. Be seated.” I said with a big smile. I always have a big smile, when I am going to earn some money. The patient gave a feeble smile and sat hesitantly on the edge of the chair. “Relax.” “Doctor, will this hurt a lot?” “Not at all.”

The patient relaxed visibly. “You know something, Doctor, we tried removing it at home, but failed.”

I was shocked. “Thank God. Trying this at home can cause serious complications.” “I first tried to remove it by jumping up and down, but it just wouldn’t budge.” I smiled and said, “If it were that easy, who would need doctors?”

She gave a cute smile and said, “Yeah! My neighbor tried to remove it with his finger, but the hole is so small that he used a hair pin.” “Oh my God!” “Yes! My mother even tried a matchstick.” My blood pressure was shooting skywards. I just sputtered without uttering a word.

“Tell me, doctor, how do I avoid getting this dirt inside me?” I knew that it was an unwanted pregnancy, but calling it dirt was too much. I replied a bit angrily, “There are tablets which can prevent this happening. Or you could use protection at night.”

Now it was the patient’s turn to be confused, “You mean to say that it happens only at night?” I saw her point. “No! No! I meant anytime of the day, whenever you are in the mood, you should use protection.”

She was even more confused, “It depends on my moods?” Again I saw her point.. “My mistake. You need not be in any sort of mood. It just happens.” “My neighbor advised me to go to one of those chaps who sit by the roadside.” “You mean that pin man?” “Yeah!”

This neighbor of hers seemed to be a very dangerous man. Besides using pins, he was sending her to such quacks. The only safety he knew was among the pins.. “You were wise not to heed his advice.” “But I tried his other advice. He told me to put warm oil inside and wait. However, that also did not work.”

This was getting more and more bizarre. Her neighbor deserved to be locked up either in a padded cell or a barred one. “But have you taken your husband’s permission?”

Now the patient looked confused. “Do I have to take my husband’s permission? Because if you need his sign, he is working in Dubai . We were not able to meet for the last one year.”

It was my turn to be shocked. I gave a sly smirk. It was one of ‘those’ cases.. The pin-wielding neighbor, seemed to me the usual suspect. I reassured her. “No! No! The husband’s sign is not at all needed.”

“However, I did inform him on phone.” Her husband seemed to me a very broad-minded fellow. I didn’t know whether to congratulate her or to commiserate with her. So I hastily turned to other aspects. “Its good that you came a bit early.” “Actually I wanted to come early in the morning, but I had some other work.”

“Oh! I did not mean early today. I meant that if you had delayed this removal, it would have started moving. Then it would have developed a heartbeat.” The patient was staring at me wide eyed as if watching a horror movie. Looking at her face, I decided that she was not fit to listen to the grotesque details. I decided to relieve her a bit. I said, “You will bleed a bit, but only for a few days.”

By now, the poor patient was trembling, “how-H-How much bleeding?” “Oh, only slightly more than your menstrual period, and it will continue only for a week or so.”

By now the patient was clutching her hair in her fingers ad staring at me wide-eyed. I asked her soothingly, “Why don’t you lie down on the examination table? Remove your clothes and relax.”

This was the final straw. She didn’t even wish me goodbye. I saw just a blur of motion leaving my consulting room at top speed.

Fridge

One morning at a doctor’s surgery a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him “OK, what happened to your back?”

The patient replies “You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him,That’s how I strained my back”

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said “My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible.What the hell happened to you?”

He replied, “You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you
won’t believe it but I was hit by a fridge.”

The 3rd patient arrives; he  looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked.
Again asks, “What the hell happened to youuuuuu…. .?”

“Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor”

Pulse or enjoying life ?

Q: If a sexy girl faints, which part would you examine first ?

Hint: Pu_s_

A: Boys who answered Pulse became Doctors. Others enjoyed life.

The above sms was forwarded to a humorous Doctor.

The following was his reply-

Correction please. Boys who answered Pulse became Doctors and enjoyed life at will. Others  had to wait for girls to faint, before they could enjoy life.

Men don’t need Apples

Beating around the Bush

An Israeli doctor says: “Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.”

A German doctor says: “That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.”

A Russian doctor says: “In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.”

An American Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says: “You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the globe is looking for work.”

Second Opinion

The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need… a new suit.”
He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see… size 44long.”
Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit.. it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a New shirt?”
Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”
The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.”
Joe was surprised, That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years.”
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,” How about some new under wear?”
Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.”
The salesman said, “Let’s see… size 36.”
Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you; I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

New suit – £400
New shirt – £36
New under wear – £6
Second Opinion – PRICELESS