Diwali: Explained by a ‘Mrican Desi Dude

” So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him.

But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to some

national forest or something… Since he was going, for like, something like more than 10 years or so.. he decided to get his wife and his bro along… you know…so that they could all chill out together.

But Dude, the forest was reeeeal scary shit… really man…they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But this dude, Ram, kicked with darts and bows and arrows… so it was fine.

But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe(Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, was our man, and alsohis bro, Laxman, pissed….. all the gods were with him… So anyways,you don’t mess with gods. So, Ram, and his bro get an army of monkeys.. Dude, don’t ask me how they trained the damn monkeys… just go along with me, ok….so, Ram, Lax and their monkeys whip this gangsta’s ass in his own hood.

Anyways, by this time, their time’s up in the forest..and anyways…it gets kinda boring,you know… no TV or malls or shit like that.

So,they decided to hitch a ride back home… and when the people realize that our dude, his bro and the wife are back home… they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice… and they didn’t have any bars or clubs in those days… so they couldn’t take them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and shit…and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also…

so it was pretty cooool… you know with all those fireworks… Really, they even had some local band play along with the fireworks… and you know, what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding.., that was the very first music-synchronized fireworks… you know, like the 4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and stuff, you know. And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival started.”

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Indian Corporate Angrezi

We Indians love to use Angrezi (Indian term for English) at offices. Angrezi makes us feel more evolved. Over times regionally people have invented their desi ishtyle of angrezi. There’s extremely popular Hinglish among college students, Bonglish spoken liberally from Writer’s building to Lok Sabha. The Southern Inglisha demands a different  magnitude of research attention.

However, in this post I want to introduce, something called Corporate Desi Angrezi. These are small priceless phrases of ‘English’ thrown in between conversations at meetings, with the boss during performance evaluation, while negotiating business deals etc. Only difficulty is when these little gems are uttered by the desi- angrez colleague in a meeting, I wish either I could evaporate into thin air or at least hide under the table.

Few examples may throw some light. All examples are taken from real life incidences.

A ‘ground to earth’ person is a guy who can be verbally pressurized and negotiated to his underpants but he’s still willing to sit and discuss the deal with you further.

If a document looks too heavy and complicated, it can always be ‘tamed down’. Quite logical, as we do use another popular phrase called “paper tiger”.

At the begining of an introductory meeting, adding a  very humble ” If may I ask ” before any query sounds a lot sweeter, even if it is about how the promoters are “enjoying the credit facilities.” [ Honestly, does anyone ever ‘enjoy’ a credit ? ]

To add that extra weight to the final verdict on any issue using “Let me allow YOU to tell YOU” and while the listener is trying to solve the paradox, quickly changing the topic, is found to be an extremely successful way to steal the attention.

However, I have seen people being unbelievable polite, asking “if I am permitted to be listened”. In all probability, he is always permitted.

Some issues which are found to be of critical nature while finalizing a deal, are always ‘path-breaking’. Unfortunately, deals with many path-breaking potential never gets closed.

‘Hope everything is fine FROM your end‘ at the onset of an email surely makes one wonder the good health of their ‘ends’.

Finally adding the liberal and random ‘The’ to the angrezi makes them the complete desi.

Will keep adding here as and when I gather more.

Do check the ‘Da Kaddu®’ cartoon series for more such examples.

Chikitsa- The desi oye !

Self explanatory description

One is bound to get cured, just by reading this I am feeling much better….