Medical Terms Redefined

Have you heard of Mr. Santa Singh applying to a medical school to become a
doctor? Needless to say he never made it. Do you know why?

These are the answers he wrote in his entrance exam:

Antibody – against everyone
Artery – The study of the paintings.
Bacteria – back door to a cafeteria.
Caesarean section – a district in Rome.
Cardiology – advance study of poker playing.
Cat scan – searching for lost kitty.
Chronic – neck of a crow.
Coma – punctuation mark.
Cortisone – area around local court.
Cyst – short for sister.
Diagnosis – person with slanted nose.
Dilate – the late British Princess Diana.
Dislocation – in this place.
Duodenum – couple in blue jeans.
Enema – not a friend.
Fake labour – pretending to work.
Genes – blue denim.
Hernia – she is close by.
Impotent – distinguished/well known.
Labour pain – hurt at work.
Lactose – people without toes.
Lymph – walk unsteadily.
Microbes – small dressing gown.
Obesity – city of Obe.
Pacemaker – winner of Nobel peace prize.
Proteins – in favour of teens.
Pulse – grain.
Pus – small cat.
Red blood count – Dracula.
Secretion – hiding anything.
Tablet – small table.
Ultrasound – radical noise.
Urine – opposite of you’re out.
Varicose – very close

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5 practical ways to piss off the System Admin

Five sure-shot ways to piss off the System Administrator/ IT Villain

1.  Send purchase request for expensive Licensed software applications and insist without them you are not able to perform your tasks. After 2 days ask him if he can just upgrade your mouse instead.

2.  Take a screenshot of a complicated excel file and save it as your desk-top wall paper. Close all the program windows. Then call the sys-admin saying your computer is not responding. When he discovers its a screenshot, look worried and ask him to change your login password.

3.  Put up a complaint saying your internet connection is slow. When he comes to check, casually ask if the coffee that spilled over the keyboard yesterday, has anything to do with it. Mention specifically that the coffee was black and without sugar and if mozilla firefox is more coffee-proof than Internet Explorer.

4.  Request for a new DVD case. Call up the sys-admin asking if it’s alright to open the pack at home or anywhere else, as the pack mentions ‘Open it Here’.

5.  Find out when is the next weekend system shutdown. Call up system admin during peak shutdown period and ask him if it was him who was driving a white car in western suburbs’ link road with many kids inside. Ask him if all the kids belong to him. Don’t forget to mention that you are sorry to bother him at his personal time and wish him a good weekend.

Birthday Bash

A wife decides to take her husband to a dance bar for his birthday.

They arrive at the bar and the doorman says, “Hey, Rahul! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh, no,” says Rahul. “He’s travels with me on the same local.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Rahul if he’d like his usual and brings over a Kingfisher. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Kingfisher ?” “She travels in the same local too, honey. We share cabs with them.”

A dancer then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Rahul, and says “Hi Janemann, want your usual dhak dhal ya phir choli ke peechhe wala thumka?”

Rahul’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Rahul follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the dancer must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in and outside  the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Oye bidu, lagta hai aaj raat palang-tod maal uthaya, kya ?”

Ode to the most important people in my life

There is my bai called Sundar1

Who is more of a nature’s blunder

She sweeps the floor

And knocks on the door

Just when to sleep I surrender

(1: Name same, bai still the same!)


There was also my cook called Anmol2

Who made in my pockets many hole

The Roti she would make

The policemen used to take

To be used as torture weapon against the foul

(2: Name changed to protect her identity. She is now thinking of joining Anti Terrorist Squad to teach em a lesson)


There was a watchman, Bahadur3 was his name

Sleeping was one of his favourite game

Some people came to steal

Even his pants they could peel

And all the while he was in the dream frame

(3: Name changed to protect HIS identity since I heard he has joined DREAMZ UNLIMITED inc and is doing good)


My driver, Deewan4, was his name

Formula 1 was his only aim

While he drove on the roads

There were heart-attack loads

And on rain he would put the blame

(4. Name changed to protect MY identity)


The receptionist in my office was called Sweety5

As per some men, she was cute and pretty

She would giggle, she would smile

And all the while

She would bat her eyelashes like a tweety

(5: Name varies as per the department 😛 What’s her name in your area? 😉


p.s.   Post was updated to let the readers in on the the current state of the various affairs.

PAKISTANI MATHS QUESTION PAPER

Got this in mail today, author unknown.

Instructions:

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i) Students found copying will be shot on the spot.
ii)Any student coming late after 10 minutes after the exam starts will be forced to join Al Qayda group.
iii)AK-47’s and Grenades are not allowed in the exam hall. Students may keep their daggers, Revolvers and pack of anthrax bombs only for self defense.
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Math Exam

Time 3 hours

Full Marks 100
All questions are compulsory.

1. Abdul was sent to jail for murder .He has 7 wives in his house.
Abdul distributed money to his wives in such a proportion that the youngest and most recent wife receives maximum and oldest wife gets minimum, and each wife gets double of her former competitor. Abdul has 1700 Rupaye left in his house. Abdul’s oldest wife needs atleast 25 rupaye per month. Find out the time when Abdul will have to break Jail to come out and earn money so that his wives do not starve.

2. Karim is a Drug seller. Prices per gram of Marijuana, hasis, haroine and LHD s are 50, 60,70,80 Rupaye respectively. Karim offers a discount of Rupaye 20 for his buyers who buys more than 50 grams of drug. If Rahim , a buyer gets Rupaye 37 discount , find out the grams of LHD he bought.

3. Imran tampers the ball thrice per over. He deforms the ball .02% of its original shape each time . Find the percentage deformation the ball due to tampering in a one day series against India in which Imran bowled 9.3 overs.

4. Rauf has a Company named Al Allah Kidnapping & Murder Private Limited. He has to threat 10 people per day over Telephone. 40% of the people he threats are cinema stars in Mumbai, 30% are Businessman in Delhi, 20% are Cricket Players in Madras and 10% are shopkeepres in Calcutta . If ISD charges are rupaye 15, 25, 40, 50 per minute from Rauf’s city Islamabad to Bombay, Delhi,Calcutta and Madras respectively and he gets a Telephone bill of 10,230 Rupaya in a month Find out The No of Cinema stars in Mumbai ,threatened in that particular month.

5. A terrorist group has to provide one Ak 47.one AK 49,one Rocket Launcher, 50 Grenades and one pack of RDX to its Ron roots for training.One AK 47 costs 100$; One Ak 49 costs 150 $,A Bazuka rocket Launcher costs 250 $ , grenade is 3 $ each, a pack of Rdx Bomb attached with remote Control is 500 $.
The terrorist group admits 2000 new people every year out of which 30 % are court-martialed. Find the amt of Foreign Money Pakistan Govt has to provide each year to run such a group.

6. If stabilty of democratic Govt. in pakistan is given by the following equation X exp3 +X exp2 -16 = i, where the notations have their usual meaning; Find out x.

7. Probaliblity of a Pakistani prime minister to be shot is 78 %.
Probabilty of a Military general to be shot is 80% .
Find the joint probability of a Prime minister to be shot who is also a Military general.

8.) Find out geometrically the area of Paktunistaan using PI Theorem with Osama BIn Ladens Correction (That is taking the value of PI = 786 instead of 3.14….), if Paktunistaan is taken as a heptagon.

9) A ‘GHAURI’ missile tries to fly from Drass to Kargil which is not too far from Drass (say 100 miles) and is exactly to the East of Drass . The wind is blowing from the South and the speed of the wind is exactly equal to the speed of the airplane. (The speed of the airplane is measured with respect to the air!) The pilot decides to steer straight to Kargil all the time during the flight.
Will the airplane ever reach Kargil ? What if the speed of the wind is k times the speed of the airplane, where k is a positive number (can be greater or less than 1)? Try to sketch the trajectory of the airplane (with respect to the ground, of course) in each of the three cases:
k=1, k1 and k<1.

10) Briefly discuss the Unsolved problem of “Bisection of a Triangle” with a Compass and an unmarked ruler if the triangle is named as KASHMIR.

Funny Clippings

Any other words you can think of? 😀

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Apology puzzle?

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No recession worries for this guy!

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Ebony M Hits (2009)

OBAMA MAMA

Obama, Obama mama
Got the biggest house in town Obama mama
Obama, Obama mama
But his troubles breakin out Obama mama.

His economy’s in tatters
And each one of them is scared shit
And he’s looking high and low
And the funds are ever hard to get
So even if you’re lonesome do not there go

Obama, Obama mama
You should all be looking for Obama mama
Obama, Obama mama
And I’m sure you will adore Obama mama

Obama, Obama mama
Got the biggest house in town Obama mama
Obama, Obama mama
But his troubles breakin out Obama mama

You’ll meet his freakin advisors
They’re lockin away the H1-B cake
They’ll still be nice to you
And maybe there is more at stake
Well then you just dunno what to do

Obama, Obama mama
He is really in a fix Obama mama
Obama, Obama mama
Struck on the bum with kicks Obama mama

Obama, Obama mama
Got the biggest house in town Obama mama
Obama, Obama mama
But his troubles breakin out Obama mama

Lyrics slightly modified by Shakarotti