DA KADDU

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With the cartoon below I start a new series called ‘Da Kaddu’.

Kaddu is the ubiquitous Indian Corporate Citizen and found almost in every organization.

I am a huge fan of Dilbert and I am heavily influenced by the Scott Adamsque humour, so if any similarity is found with Dilbert I would consider myself honoured :)

Let me introduce the Characters shown above.

Fuddu: The perfectionist Boss with a twisted sense of humour.

Kaddu: The manager reporting to the Fuddu.

To be continued……

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5 practical ways to piss off the System Admin

Five sure-shot ways to piss off the System Administrator/ IT Villain

1.  Send purchase request for expensive Licensed software applications and insist without them you are not able to perform your tasks. After 2 days ask him if he can just upgrade your mouse instead.

2.  Take a screenshot of a complicated excel file and save it as your desk-top wall paper. Close all the program windows. Then call the sys-admin saying your computer is not responding. When he discovers its a screenshot, look worried and ask him to change your login password.

3.  Put up a complaint saying your internet connection is slow. When he comes to check, casually ask if the coffee that spilled over the keyboard yesterday, has anything to do with it. Mention specifically that the coffee was black and without sugar and if mozilla firefox is more coffee-proof than Internet Explorer.

4.  Request for a new DVD case. Call up the sys-admin asking if it’s alright to open the pack at home or anywhere else, as the pack mentions ‘Open it Here’.

5.  Find out when is the next weekend system shutdown. Call up system admin during peak shutdown period and ask him if it was him who was driving a white car in western suburbs’ link road with many kids inside. Ask him if all the kids belong to him. Don’t forget to mention that you are sorry to bother him at his personal time and wish him a good weekend.

Corporate Adjectives

These beaten to death  frequently used jargons are invariably found in CVs and Performance Appraisal forms.

Ever thought what they actually mean? I have tried to compile some of the best ones from various sources added with my own experience. Here goes-

3600 performer- buys drinks for boss & colleagues

Applies holistic approach- Can draw complicated flow charts

Asset for the organization- Comes early, leaves late

Can accept challenge- needy

Career minded- good in office politics

Careful thinker- beats around the bush and never takes any decision

Chequered path- Has many multiple unrelated degrees and hopped many jobs across radically different industries and settled for something s/he has never done before.

Cooperative- high libido, sexually starved

Creative thinker – Has a blog

Detail oriented- Micro manager

Diplomatic- under large personal debt obligations

Exceptionally good judgement- pure lucky

Expert – Have failed accomplishing the task once

Expressive- speaks English

Go getter- short tempered

Goal oriented- good in back stabbing

Good communication skills- Doesn’t hang up the phone before an hour

Good delegation power- screws subordinates to get job done

Good networking skills- Has 1000 connections in LinkedIn and Ryze

Great Presentation skills- Good with Power Point and can add background music

Great sense of humour- Has an archive of dirty jokes

Hard task master- sadist

Hard worker- Write long mails with time stamps 7: 22 Am and 9:52 pm with cc: all

Independent worker- Dumped employee with no work

IT savvy- finds ways to break firewall to chat from office

Knowledgeable – member of Stumbleupon, digg it, del.icio.us & Technorati and browses wikipedia

Lateral thinker- Weirdo

Loyal- dumped and can’t get a job elsewhere

Meticulous – proofchecks punctuation marks and formatting

Multitalented- Can sing and whistle

Organized- Stores all printouts out of sight and keeps desk clean

Outgoing Personality- Dates departmental colleagues

Positive thinker- Ass kisser

Possess leadership qualities- tall and has loud voice

Practical knowledge – Knows the source in Internet

Pro-active- orders the coffee in meeting

Proficient – Have successfully done it done it once

Quick Thinker- comes up with radical excuses within no time

Relaxed attitude- sleeps at desk

Smart- Knows to tie 3 types of knots and wears cufflinks

Socially active- Drinks a lot

Socially popular- has 1000 friends in Facebook and owns multiple communities

Team player- Leads the bitching and gossip during lunchtime

Unique skill set- Posses now obsolete diplomas

Use logic to deliver task- gets it done through someone else

Workaholic- No lifer who stays near office

Corporate Cost Control Policy

Dear All,

In the pretext of the present slowdown in the business and economic scenario, it is imperative that we need to curb our internal expenditure. While our intention and fullest of endeavor is to retain and nurture talents like you, but we can only achieve if we try to cut costs in all our functions. We would like to remind you of the idiom “A stitch in time saves nine”. To your benefit, thus, we are pleased to introduce our new corporate policies for everyone to take note and follow.

It must be understood that these policies shall be applicable immediately and all employees are expected to follow the same rigorously depending on their of their roles and hierarchal position. Any violation from the policies shall be escalated to the higher management in a systematic manner, which would be circulated to you later through a corporate presentation. It shall also be noted by everyone that these corporate policies shall be read in conjunction with Corporate Code of conduct (CCC) Corporate Dress Code (CDC) and Corporate Social Responsibilities (CSR).

It is found that most of the employees enjoy additional facilities provided by office which doesn’t have any direct bearing with the productivity. Guided by an internal survey result, we have concluded to implement the following measures with immediate effect.

  • The disposable plastic glasses kept near the coffee/ cold drink vending machines would be removed; Employees shall bring their own glass, mug, pitcher etc. The volume of the container should not exceed 300 ml, which would be approved by HR. Special application would be required, if someone wants to keep containers more than 400 ml, accompanied with a Doctor’s certificate. However pregnant ladies and HR staff can use containers upto 650 ml.
  • The soft drink vending machine would be removed from the cafeteria. Cold drink contains great quantity of sugar & intake of sugar is bad for health. Also it is found that the soft drinks are manly consumed by office boys, errand boys, courier guys and rats. Allowing rats inside office violate the CSR, hence the withdrawal of the facility.
  • Tea- coffee would be rationed henceforth. A requisition form shall be filled up for each tea coffee request & sent by email with copy to line manager. Upon line manager’s express approval and submission of hard copy of the email, the office boy would bring you tea/ coffee. In case line manager is traveling, please submit the ‘Indemnity Bond’ and attach with your request email. However, for entertaining guests, business partners & VIP visitors, the advance request mail should be marked to HR head, CFO and Head- Corporate affairs. In case you need to request more than 10 cups, approval from Chairman shall be required. Also note, extra glasses for visitors can be obtained (400 ml only) from Admin store, once the visitors ask for tea/ coffee.
  • Paper hand towels would be removed. Toilet tissue rolls however will be supplied @ 1 meter per person/ usage. The policy and process would be the same for recycles cups. Recycle old newspapers in case of emergency.

  • All CD & DVD writers, Pen drives are also disabled. External hard disks violate CCC, hence banned. You shall use the intranet for uploading your official files to be written on CD or call IT helpdesk. Your request would be catered by (first in first out) FIFO basis.
  • Chairs for secretaries and PA’s are counted as extra. Most of the bosses are busy in meetings and the chairs are empty for 80% of the working hours. Most bosses have confirmed their cooperation and comfort regarding with sharing the same chair with their female colleagues, in case of urgent tasks to be performed. In case of same sex situation the secretary is encouraged to practice working while standing. The best achiever would be declared “Horse of the year” on company annual day.
  • In case of high priority outstation meetings where data exchange is envisaged, the senior most team member may ask for specific permission for such exchange. A representative from IT department shall travel with and assist the team on site for CD writing for such special purpose. The travel of IT personnel would be treated as deprivation than prerogative and thus s/he should be entitled to travel business class, as per CCC, special provisions.
  • Employees using laptop may opt for exchanging that with a desktop computer. All senior employees who have already opted for ‘chair free secretary’ policy will by default be withdrawn from laptop facilities. In such cases multi tasking is encouraged as per CCC.
  • An IT audit would be conducted every month to check unofficial content on your computer. Any music, picture, presentation, document not directly related to the employee’s job responsibility, shall be treated as unofficial content. Also, it is to be noted that people like Salman Khan/ Brad Pitt and  Katrina Kaif/ Sharon Stone can not treated as ‘ Role model’ and used as desk top wall paper.
  • All employees are requested to return the I Pod Nano’s given away in the last Annual Day function, as a gesture towards CSR at these trying times. It should be well maintained and in working condition, failing which the depreciated value of the instrument would be deducted from next month’s salary. A camp of taking back the Ipods has been arranged by HR personnel followed by office sponsored lunch.
  • The Blackberries would be taken back too. Those who use Blackberries need to use laptops, those using laptop shall be given desktops and those who are using desktops would be issued typewriters and calculators.

  • Traveling shall be only on need basis. Special permission shall be required from the line manager for destinations like Bangkok, Amsterdam, Goa and Mulund.
  • For outstation lodging three employees shall stay in one double room. Who shall sleep on the floor can be decided through an official brawl/ catfight as the case may be. Women employees may carry their own bedding for convenience.
  • Consumption of alcoholic beverages would not be reimbursed anymore unless it is proved that such consumption has resulted into signing a deal which the company would not have able to strike otherwise. However, if such deals get awry later the concerned employee(s) shall be subjected to violation of CCC, for allowing the business partner coming to his senses.

  • Paper Shredders would be removed. Employees are encouraged to tear off useless documents. Study shows, this activity also helps to fight work related stress.
  • Wearing skimpy, short and undersized outfits won’t be treated as sign of recession. When we say our simplicity and transparency is our policy we don’t mean the same to be adapted as dress code. Refer CDC for more clarity.
  • The Air-conditioning system shall be regulated. The AC system shall be turned on at 10 am and shut down for 45 mins every 2 hours excluding 1 hour during lunchtime. AC would be shut off for the day at 7 pm. Employees may bring their own hand fans and other manually operated apparatus. Electrically operated table fans etc won’t be allowed.
  • The entire lighting system is being modified and much sophisticated advanced futuristic motion sensors would be put in place. A very reputed international lighting consultant has been appointed who shall design the internal lighting system. The proposed system would have intelligent state of the art hardware to continuously map the headcount and proximity of employees and turn on/ off the lights based on occupancy ratio. We are also changing the entire electrical cabling for compatibility. This change is expected to bring huge savings in electricity bills after 25 years. However, lights would be put off during lunchtime, except for cafeteria.
  • The gym would be converted to HR training centre.
  • The shower room would be converted to HR meeting room.
  • Pool table to be removed and added to HR department.
  • The audio-visual room would be converted to restricted access HR cubicles.
  • TV room to be converted to cabin for HR Head.

Expecting your co-operation to sail through the tough times smoothly.

Thank you

Warm regards,

Head – Admin and HR

Indian Corporate Angrezi

We Indians love to use Angrezi (Indian term for English) at offices. Angrezi makes us feel more evolved. Over times regionally people have invented their desi ishtyle of angrezi. There’s extremely popular Hinglish among college students, Bonglish spoken liberally from Writer’s building to Lok Sabha. The Southern Inglisha demands a different  magnitude of research attention.

However, in this post I want to introduce, something called Corporate Desi Angrezi. These are small priceless phrases of ‘English’ thrown in between conversations at meetings, with the boss during performance evaluation, while negotiating business deals etc. Only difficulty is when these little gems are uttered by the desi- angrez colleague in a meeting, I wish either I could evaporate into thin air or at least hide under the table.

Few examples may throw some light. All examples are taken from real life incidences.

A ‘ground to earth’ person is a guy who can be verbally pressurized and negotiated to his underpants but he’s still willing to sit and discuss the deal with you further.

If a document looks too heavy and complicated, it can always be ‘tamed down’. Quite logical, as we do use another popular phrase called “paper tiger”.

At the begining of an introductory meeting, adding a  very humble ” If may I ask ” before any query sounds a lot sweeter, even if it is about how the promoters are “enjoying the credit facilities.” [ Honestly, does anyone ever ‘enjoy’ a credit ? ]

To add that extra weight to the final verdict on any issue using “Let me allow YOU to tell YOU” and while the listener is trying to solve the paradox, quickly changing the topic, is found to be an extremely successful way to steal the attention.

However, I have seen people being unbelievable polite, asking “if I am permitted to be listened”. In all probability, he is always permitted.

Some issues which are found to be of critical nature while finalizing a deal, are always ‘path-breaking’. Unfortunately, deals with many path-breaking potential never gets closed.

‘Hope everything is fine FROM your end‘ at the onset of an email surely makes one wonder the good health of their ‘ends’.

Finally adding the liberal and random ‘The’ to the angrezi makes them the complete desi.

Will keep adding here as and when I gather more.

Do check the ‘Da Kaddu®’ cartoon series for more such examples.