Wild Comeback Line

Sally took her 92 year old dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. They decided to grab a bite at the food court. Sally noticed that her dad was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors : green, red, orange, and blue. Her dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, ‘What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?’

Knowing her Dad, Sally quickly swallowed her food so that she would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

‘Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.’

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A Short Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl ‘Will you marry me?’

The girl said, ‘NO!’

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

~The end ~

MEN-tality

Men…..before marriage

He: I waited so long for dis.
She: Do u want me to leave?
He: No. Never!
She: Do u luv me?
He: Yes I did, I’m doing & I’ll do.
She: Did u ever cheat me?
He: I’d rather die than do it.
She: Will u kiss me?
He: Surely, thats my pleasure.
She: Will u hurt me?
He: No way, I’m not such a kind of person.
She: can i trust u?
He: yes.
She: oh darling!

To know after marriage, read from bottom to top.

Mad Cow Disease

Source : email forward.

A TV INTERVIEW THAT WAS NEVER AIRED…..

In U.K, in a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who had some theories on the issue….

The interview went as follows :

Lady reporter : “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?”

The farmer stared at the reporter and said : “Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?”

Reporter (obviously embarrassed) : “Well, sir, that’s a new piece of information. . but what’s the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”

Farmer : “And, ma’am, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”

Reporter : “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”

Farmer : “I am getting to the point, ma’am…..

Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day… and screwing you only once a year, wouldn’t you get mad?”

The program was never aired…..

The famous Speech by ‘Silencer’ Chatur Ramalingam in 3 idiots

Adarniya sabhapati mahodaya …atithi vishesh shikshan mantri shri R D tripati [tripathi] ji ..maanyaniya shikshagan aur mere piyaaare [pyare] sahpatiyo [sahapathiyon]
…aaj agar I.C.E aasmaan ki bulaaandiyo [bulandiyon] ko chhu raahaa [raha] hai ..to uska shreya sirrf [sirf] ekinsaan [ek insaan] ko jaataahai [jata hai] shri veerusahastra buddhe ..give him a big hand ..he is a great guy really ..
Peechle buttis saal se inhone nirantar is college mein balatkar [balaatkaar] pe balatkar kiye ..umeed hai aagey bee [bhi] karte rahege [rahenge] ..hamine to aashcharya hota hai ki ek insaan apne jeevan kaal mein itni balatkar kaisi kar sakta hai …inhone kadi tapaasya se apne aapko is kaabil bunaya [banaya] hai ..waqt ka sahi upyog ghante ka purna istemaal koi inse seeke [seekhe]..seeke inse seeke ….aaj hum sab chaatra yaha hai ..kal desh videsh mein fail [faael] jayenge ..waadaa hai aapse jis desh mein honge waha balatkar karenge I.C.E ka naam roshan karenge …dika [dikha] denge sabko jo balatkar Karne ki shamtaa yaha ke chaatro mein hai wo sansaar ke kisi chaatro mein nahiii ….No other chaatra No other chaatra

Adarniya mantraji namashkar aapne is sansthaan ko wo chees di jiski hamein sakht zaroorat thi …sstunn ..stunn hota sabi [sab hi] ke paas hai ..sab chupa ke rakte hai ..detaa koi nai …aapne apna stun is balatkari purush ke haat mein diya hai…ab dekiye yeh kaisa iska upyog karta hai

Sanskrit shalok:-

Utthamum dadhdadaath paadam…Madhyam paadam thuchuk chuk
…Ghanisthah thud thudi paadam…Surr surri praan gatakam..

When in glass house…..

The Jamaican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: ‘Now Marie, why you feel you deserve a pay increase?’ Marie: ‘Well, ma’am, three reasons why I want de increase. The first one, mi iron better than you’!

Wife: ‘Who said you iron better than me?’
Marie: ‘Your husband says so.’

Wife: ‘Oh.’
Marie: ‘The second reason…… .ah cooks better than you.’

Wife: ‘Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?’
Marie: ‘Your husband again’

Wife: ‘Oh.’
Marie: ‘My last reason is that I am a better lover than you..’

Wife: (really furious now): ‘My husband says that as well??’ Marie: ‘No ma’am, the Gardener.

Wife: ‘How much increase yuh seh you want again?’

Attorney

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you

forgot?

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that

morning?

WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year- old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: You’re kidding me, right!?

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, is that correct?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a

new attorney?

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a

deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on

dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like

to rephrase that question?

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a blood sample?

WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go

to?

WITNESS: Oral.

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p..m…

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an

autopsy on him!

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his

sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________ _________ _________ ________ — And the best for last: –

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for

a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,

nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, he could have been alive and practicing law..