Desi Dude’s Matrimonial Letter

Reply to a Matrimonial Ad in a Desi newspaper!!

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Dear Madam,

I am an older young uncle living only with myself in Amritsar . Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.

I am a soiled son from inside Punjab . I am nice and big, six foot tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket and I am a good batter and I am a fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce alot.

I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am gay. Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am. I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking (only a Kingfisher in the evenings) but I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the Jim.

I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things into your hand. If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day. In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the Jim. If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope.

I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.

Expecting soon,

Yours and only yours,

Choudhary Bash Warraich,
born by mother in Bhindra di galli and become big and moneyed in Amritsar, Punjab

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Fart Surprise

"One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent
that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up eating baked
beans, my all time favourite.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way
home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and
told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I
passed by a small diner and the aroma of baked beans was more than I could
stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects
by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the dinner and before I knew
it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I
made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed
excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly:

‘Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.’ He then blindfolded me and
led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was
about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not
to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The
baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was
becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized
the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not
only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in
front of a pulpwood mill.

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was
worse than stinking cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the
conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few
minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone
farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few
more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on
it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned,
apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had
not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated
around the table chorused:

"Happy Birthday"!!!

Mirror

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom
door.
One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my
door, make my bust-line forty-four."

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous
proportions.

Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both
return.

This time the husband crossed his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror on the
door, make my penis touch the floor."

Again, there is a bright flash and……….both his legs fall off.

SEXTATISTICS JOKES

Survey shows-

10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date.
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place.
36% of the women favour nudity.
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes.
46% of the women experienced anal sex.
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning.
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations.
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest.
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.

Conclusion:
Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in
the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the
office at the end of the day.

Moral:
Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!