Abortive Effort

I received this hilarious piece on mail today. I don’t know who has written this. If someone can provide me a link i will be happy to acknowledge it.

My wife is an ENT Surgeon while I am a Gynecologist. This can lead to some complications, as I recently learned to my anguish.

A General Practitioner called me up and told me that she is sending a patient of hers for an abortion. Unknown to me, she had also referred a female with ear wax for removal of the wax to my wife.

I duly informed the receptionist to send the patient right in as she was expected (and expecting!) As Murphy lays down the laws of our hospital, it was but natural that the patient who wanted the wax removed from her ear, landed up with me. This is the conversation that I had with the patient.

“Please come in. Be seated.” I said with a big smile. I always have a big smile, when I am going to earn some money. The patient gave a feeble smile and sat hesitantly on the edge of the chair. “Relax.” “Doctor, will this hurt a lot?” “Not at all.”

The patient relaxed visibly. “You know something, Doctor, we tried removing it at home, but failed.”

I was shocked. “Thank God. Trying this at home can cause serious complications.” “I first tried to remove it by jumping up and down, but it just wouldn’t budge.” I smiled and said, “If it were that easy, who would need doctors?”

She gave a cute smile and said, “Yeah! My neighbor tried to remove it with his finger, but the hole is so small that he used a hair pin.” “Oh my God!” “Yes! My mother even tried a matchstick.” My blood pressure was shooting skywards. I just sputtered without uttering a word.

“Tell me, doctor, how do I avoid getting this dirt inside me?” I knew that it was an unwanted pregnancy, but calling it dirt was too much. I replied a bit angrily, “There are tablets which can prevent this happening. Or you could use protection at night.”

Now it was the patient’s turn to be confused, “You mean to say that it happens only at night?” I saw her point. “No! No! I meant anytime of the day, whenever you are in the mood, you should use protection.”

She was even more confused, “It depends on my moods?” Again I saw her point.. “My mistake. You need not be in any sort of mood. It just happens.” “My neighbor advised me to go to one of those chaps who sit by the roadside.” “You mean that pin man?” “Yeah!”

This neighbor of hers seemed to be a very dangerous man. Besides using pins, he was sending her to such quacks. The only safety he knew was among the pins.. “You were wise not to heed his advice.” “But I tried his other advice. He told me to put warm oil inside and wait. However, that also did not work.”

This was getting more and more bizarre. Her neighbor deserved to be locked up either in a padded cell or a barred one. “But have you taken your husband’s permission?”

Now the patient looked confused. “Do I have to take my husband’s permission? Because if you need his sign, he is working in Dubai . We were not able to meet for the last one year.”

It was my turn to be shocked. I gave a sly smirk. It was one of ‘those’ cases.. The pin-wielding neighbor, seemed to me the usual suspect. I reassured her. “No! No! The husband’s sign is not at all needed.”

“However, I did inform him on phone.” Her husband seemed to me a very broad-minded fellow. I didn’t know whether to congratulate her or to commiserate with her. So I hastily turned to other aspects. “Its good that you came a bit early.” “Actually I wanted to come early in the morning, but I had some other work.”

“Oh! I did not mean early today. I meant that if you had delayed this removal, it would have started moving. Then it would have developed a heartbeat.” The patient was staring at me wide eyed as if watching a horror movie. Looking at her face, I decided that she was not fit to listen to the grotesque details. I decided to relieve her a bit. I said, “You will bleed a bit, but only for a few days.”

By now, the poor patient was trembling, “how-H-How much bleeding?” “Oh, only slightly more than your menstrual period, and it will continue only for a week or so.”

By now the patient was clutching her hair in her fingers ad staring at me wide-eyed. I asked her soothingly, “Why don’t you lie down on the examination table? Remove your clothes and relax.”

This was the final straw. She didn’t even wish me goodbye. I saw just a blur of motion leaving my consulting room at top speed.

Diwali: Explained by a ‘Mrican Desi Dude

” So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him.

But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to some

national forest or something… Since he was going, for like, something like more than 10 years or so.. he decided to get his wife and his bro along… you know…so that they could all chill out together.

But Dude, the forest was reeeeal scary shit… really man…they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But this dude, Ram, kicked with darts and bows and arrows… so it was fine.

But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe(Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, was our man, and alsohis bro, Laxman, pissed….. all the gods were with him… So anyways,you don’t mess with gods. So, Ram, and his bro get an army of monkeys.. Dude, don’t ask me how they trained the damn monkeys… just go along with me, ok….so, Ram, Lax and their monkeys whip this gangsta’s ass in his own hood.

Anyways, by this time, their time’s up in the forest..and anyways…it gets kinda boring,you know… no TV or malls or shit like that.

So,they decided to hitch a ride back home… and when the people realize that our dude, his bro and the wife are back home… they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice… and they didn’t have any bars or clubs in those days… so they couldn’t take them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and shit…and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also…

so it was pretty cooool… you know with all those fireworks… Really, they even had some local band play along with the fireworks… and you know, what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding.., that was the very first music-synchronized fireworks… you know, like the 4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and stuff, you know. And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival started.”

Deadly Matrimonial Ads

Matromonial Ads By Girls

These are Girls’ ads taken from shaadi.com

These are actual ads on a matrimony site. Grammar and spell errors have no place in a profile description as everything is straight from the heart!

Disclaimer : I am not responsible if you forget your basic grammar after reading this mail…

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Hello To Viewvers My Name is Sowmya , I am single i dont have male, If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am not a good education

but i working all field in bangalroe.. if u like me u welcome to my heart…

when ever u whant to meet pls viset my resident or send u letter..

Thanks

yours Regards Sowmya

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i want very simple boy. from brahmin educated family from orissa state she is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework (Homework?)

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Wants a man who knows me better and can adjust with me forever. he may never create any difficulties in my life or his life by which the entire life can

run smoothly. thank you

(The principle of running life smoothly was never so easy!)

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he should be good looking and should have a service. he Shoulsd have one brother and one sister. he should be educated.

(ain’t it unique !! 1 brother 1 sister criteria !)

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I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love. I am looking

for my dreamboy who will love me more than i. Because i love myself alot. If u think that is u then why to late come on …….. hold my hand forever

!!!

(The dilwale dulhaniya effect)

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i am simple girl.I have lot ofproblemin mylife because ofmylucknow i amlooking oneboyhe caremeandloveme lot lot lot

(I don’t know why but this is one of my favorites)

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My husband should be as ‘Shiva’ as in Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki and as Tanwerr as in KSBKBT……

(Ok I haven’t seen these soaps but I am sure she must be demanding too much, ain’t he?)

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i want a boy with no drinks if he wants he can wear jeans in house but while steping out of house he should give recpect to our cast

(by not wearing his jeans? Wat the hell…)

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HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING GIRL,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL MESSENGER OF GOD.

THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A BOY ,THEY ARE 1.THEY MUST BELIEVE INGOD.2.THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION AND THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH.

(all of us are loughing{laughing} )

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hatever he may be but he should feel that he is going to be someone groom and he must think of the future life if he is toolike this he would bde called

the man of the lamp (I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this girl wants)

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i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and i love the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok (I am again clueless but I liked the use of “ok”. The person is suffering

from “Ok-syndrome” )

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HI IAM VERY COOL NUATHER OK MY HOBBY IS SEE T.V AND NEWS OK I HAVE 1 CAR AND 1 BONWL OK MY MOTHER ALSO GOOD OK MY FARUET WORLD IS OK

(the “ok syndrome” again)

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iam pranati my family histoy my two brother two sister and fater&mother sister complity marred (somebody please explain in comments section how to get married

‘completely’ ?)

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e brother and parent.

i am doing postal sarvice and tailor master my original resdence at kalahandi diste naw iam staing at rayagada dist.

(actually what is this girl doing? Postal service or tailor.??)

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my name is farhanbegum and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me pleaes pleaes

pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes

(height of desperation! : )

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Iwant one boy who love me or my mother. he love me heartly or he havea frank he’s skin colour ‘normal’not a black or not a whitey. IThink the main think

is heart if your heart is beautiful then you are beautiful. but iam not a handsome girl or not a good looking. but my Mom say that Iam a good girl.

My father already expired . iam ”AEKLAUTA” . THE CHOICE IS YOUR.

bye bye.

(uttama purishinin)

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iam kanandevi. i do owo businas.one sistar.he was marred.

(No comments)

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I AM LITTLE FAIR INDIAN COLOUR. I DON’T HAVE ANY HABIT.

(maybe the poor guy meant BAD habits)

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hello i am a good charactarised woman. i want to run my life happily.i divorced my first husband.his charactor is not good’. i expect the good minded

and clean habits boy who may be in the same caste or other caste accepted

….

(but credit cards not accepted..?? ?)

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my colour is black,but my heart is white.i like social service

(Zebra..???)

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i’m looking out for who lives in bombay, boy simple who trust me lot should be roman catholic, LOVE ME ONLY.

(Now that criterion is a must, isn’t it?)

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to be married on jan-2005. working man perferable (this girl has fixed the marriage date too! But she is yet to find a bride

groom. I wish her best of luck on behalf of all of us. I am sure she will get one soon.)

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i would like a beautyfull boy. and i do not want his any treasure. becauseboy is the maharaja.

(Now he is going to be a lucky boy! Any takers?)

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ssc failed three times and worked with privated ltd company which not paying salary at present.

(Any takers again?)

Gender War

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM” He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”

“Yep,” the wife replied , ” in-laws”

WOMEN’S  REVENGE

“Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

“So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.

“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”

W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man’s 15,000.

The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”

The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”

Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”

Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.” So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ………..”HEBREWS”

Great Truths of Life

A. GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptise cats.

2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.

B. GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.

3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

C. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD :

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

D. THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 17 success is . . having a drivers license.

At age 35 success is . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . not piddling in your pants.

Bedroom Golf: The Rules

1. Each player should furnish his own equipment for play – normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on the course should be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

Balls Inspector

I recovered this gem from my mail archive. I had received this mail on August 2004.

This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.

The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.

I don’t know how they wrote this with a straight face.

‘If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.’