IPL PJ series : # 1

WARNING: Parental guidance advised.

Lalit Modi was home after such a long time. What to do ? The IPL had kept him so busy that he couldn’t do anything else. Somehow, he managed a few hours and that pleased his wife immensely.

“You have been home after such a long time. Lets make this night memorable!”, wife said

“Sure! Sure! Why not?”, Lalit replied excitedly

So the passionate night started and the first few minutes of foreplay were quite like the powerplay in the T20. It was going great guns and the couple were heading for a hard hitting finish, when suddenly Lalit withdrew and that left his wife astonished, annoyed and frustrated.

Pushing him hard, she shouted – “What the hell was that?? We were heading for a wonderful orgasm. Why did you suddenly put a brake?”

Lalit replied – “Strategy Break baby! Lets see how we can make this better. Hmmm.. Why don’t you try this..”

Needless to say the wife thought it better that the husband returned home after IPL season 2 after he had reviewed the Strategy Breaks.

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Alchohoroscope

By Trojan Daruwala

ARIES : Drinking style Impulsive. Aries people like to party and sometime sdon’t know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing-time shot contests. They’re sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk I sa good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you — so long as you haven’t gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.

TAURUS: Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china- shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler — god, no.. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loud mouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.

GEMINI: Gemini’s can drink without changing their behavior much– they’re so naturally chatty and short-attention- spanned that it’s just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusion, then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini’s possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round — repetition is boring — and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.

CANCER: Cancer is a comfort drinker — and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can’t it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists — and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get “tired and emotional” (read: weepy when lubricated). But there’s nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you’d be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.

LEO: Leo likes to drink and dance — they’re often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they’re quite aware that they’re the darling –Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue — and perhaps not with the one who they were with 🙂 But Leo’s not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day.

VIRGO: Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure –but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked — but, oh, when they do! Virgo’s controlled by the intellect, but there’s an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It’s dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, “I’m going to drink myself into a low-level of intelligence tonight.” A toast to the sub genius IQ!

LIBRA: “I’m jusht a social drinker,” slurs Libra, “it’s jusht that I’m so damn social?” Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Frienddevice set to “on”) or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble –including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with every man/woman in the roomor even blacking out the night’s events entirely. Oops!

SCORPIO: Don’t ever tell Scorpios they’ve had enough, for they’ll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they’re hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them seethe sauce as something to savor in itself, and not asa personality- altering tool — though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they’re fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything — especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.

SAGITTARIUS: In vino veritas — and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: When buttered, they’ll spill all your secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They’re the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else — like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun . Good-natured hijinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).

CAPRICORN: Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty — no wonder they get left off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who’re you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they’re either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hookup with a cute groupie.

AQUARIUS: Aquarius and drinking don’t go together that well (except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they’re more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they’re throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, they’re too preoccupied with their duties to get combative — and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they’re usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist):Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.

PISCES: If you’re a Pisces, you’ve probably already heard that you share a sign and an addictive personality –with Liz Taylor, Lisa Minnelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they’re fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and windup in bed together for days. The phrase “addictive personality” can be read two ways, you know. …

Beds

Quick Wisdom

When I was born, I got a choice – A big dick or a good memory. I am not able to remember, what did I choose.

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – don’t and stop, unless they are used together.

Panties are not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

There are three stages to sex in a person’s life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

Virginity can be cured.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner,you’d better have a good hand.

I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

Q: What’s an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and She was happy with the Thing……

Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn’t.

Teacher: Use “harassment” in a sentence.
Johnny: Her mouth said ‘no’, but her ass meant ‘yes’.

Q: What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ?
A: Breasts don’t have eyes.

Of course you’ve heard about the Viagra! computer virus, it turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard disk.

Despite the old saying, “Don’t take your troubles to bed”, many men still sleep with their wives !!!.

Cowboy & Lesbian

An old cowboy – dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps – went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, “Are you a real cowboy?” To which he replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, so I guess I am.”

After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, “I’ve never been on a ranch. I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. I get up in the morning thinking of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV – everything makes me think of women.”

A short while later she left, and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked,

“Are you a real cowboy?”

“I always thought I was,” he answered, “but I just found out that I’m a lesbian.”

Zip Code

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight  miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she  realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn ‘ t get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the  step.

Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn ‘ t reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn ‘ t reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, “How dare you touch my body that way, I don ‘ t even know you!”
Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma ‘ am, after you reached around and unzipped my pants three times, I thought that we were friends.”

Naming an Indian Baby

An Indian was working in Mumbai and didn’t meet his wife for four years while his wife was in his native town somewhere in India.

At the end of 4 years he distributed sweets to his colleagues in office stating that his wife had delivered a son.

His colleagues were quite shocked and they asked how this “Happy event” happened when he had not seen his wife for four years…

The man said it is common in his small town that neighbours take care of the wife (good Samaritans) when men are away.

The colleagues asked him, “What name will you give to the son?”

The man explained, “If its the second neighbour who has taken care,then the name would be “DWIVEDI”;

If it is the third neighbour then it would be “TRIVEDI”,

If it is the fourth neighbour then it would be “CHATURVEDI”;

If its the fifth neighbour then it would be “PANDEY”…

After listening to this, questions followed.

What if it is a mixture of neighbours?
“Then the boy would be named “MISHRA”…

And what if the wife is too shy to tell the name of the neighbour?
Then it would be “SHARMA”…

But what if she refuses to divulge the name of the neighbour?
Then the name of the child would be “GUPTA”…

If she does not remember the name then?
“It is YAAD-AV”

But who knows whether the child resulted from a rape?
Then it will be named “DOSHI”…

Finally, if the child happened because of wife’s burning desire?
Then he will be named “JOSHI”…

And if the whole country had made efforts for the happy arrival?….
“DESHPANDEY.”