Beating around the Bush

An Israeli doctor says: “Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.”

A German doctor says: “That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.”

A Russian doctor says: “In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.”

An American Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says: “You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the globe is looking for work.”

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A Love Story

This is the love story of Adam and Edna.

Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t  mean they don’t love you with all they have. Adam and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Adam suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him
out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindlessness. The bad news is, Adam hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’

Edna replied-‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?’

Triple Filter Test

In ancient Greece (469 – 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance that ran up to him excitedly and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students called Plato?

Wait a moment,” Socrates replied. “Before you tell me I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Triple Filter Test”.

“Triple filter?”

That’s right,” Socrates continued. “Before you talk to me about my student let’s take a moment to filter what you’re going to say.

The first Filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”

“No,” the man said, “actually I just heard about it and…”

“All right,” said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not.

Now let’s try the second filter, the Filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?”

“No, on the contrary…”

“So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you’re not certain it’s true?”

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. “You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter – the Filter of usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?”

“No, not really…”

“Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither True, nor Good, nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?” The man was defeated and ashamed.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

But it also explains why he never found out that Plato was sleeping with his wife.

Naming

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, “Mummy, why is my name Petal?”

The mother replied, “Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head.”

The next baby walked up and asked, “Mummy why is my name Rose?” she replied,

“Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head.”

The last baby walked up to her and said, “BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY.”

The mother replied, “Please be quiet, Refrigerator.”

Medical Terms Redefined

Have you heard of Mr. Santa Singh applying to a medical school to become a
doctor? Needless to say he never made it. Do you know why?

These are the answers he wrote in his entrance exam:

Antibody – against everyone
Artery – The study of the paintings.
Bacteria – back door to a cafeteria.
Caesarean section – a district in Rome.
Cardiology – advance study of poker playing.
Cat scan – searching for lost kitty.
Chronic – neck of a crow.
Coma – punctuation mark.
Cortisone – area around local court.
Cyst – short for sister.
Diagnosis – person with slanted nose.
Dilate – the late British Princess Diana.
Dislocation – in this place.
Duodenum – couple in blue jeans.
Enema – not a friend.
Fake labour – pretending to work.
Genes – blue denim.
Hernia – she is close by.
Impotent – distinguished/well known.
Labour pain – hurt at work.
Lactose – people without toes.
Lymph – walk unsteadily.
Microbes – small dressing gown.
Obesity – city of Obe.
Pacemaker – winner of Nobel peace prize.
Proteins – in favour of teens.
Pulse – grain.
Pus – small cat.
Red blood count – Dracula.
Secretion – hiding anything.
Tablet – small table.
Ultrasound – radical noise.
Urine – opposite of you’re out.
Varicose – very close

The Guy Dictionary

“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”
Translated: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

“UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR”
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN”
Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”

“I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT’S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.”
Translated: “That girl standing on the corner is a real babe.”

“TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD.”
Translated: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU,AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.”
Translated: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”

“OH, DON’T FUSS – I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT’S NO BIG DEAL.”
Translated: “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death
before I admit that I’m hurt.”

“I CAN’T FIND IT.”
Translated: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely
clueless.”

“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?”
Translated: “What did you catch me at?”

“I HEARD YOU.”
Translated: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the
next three days yelling at me.”

“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.”
Translated: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be
worse.”

“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.”
Translated: “Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.”

“I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.”
Translated: “No one will ever see us alive again.”

Laughter via Kerala

1) Name the wonly part of the werld, where Malayalis don’t werk hard?
Kerala
2) Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala?
Because 86% of the shift time is spent on lifting,folding and re-tying the lungi.
3) Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket?
To go to Thuubai, zimbly to meet his ungle in the Gelff.
4) Why do Malayali’s go to the Gelff?
To yearn meney.
5) What did the Malayali do when the plane caught fire?
He zimbly jembd out of the vindow.
6) Why did the Malayali go to the concert in Rome?
Because he wanted to hear pope music.
7) What is Malayali management graduate called?
Yem Bee Yae.
8 ) Why did his wife divorce him?
Because he was louwing another woman.
9) Who found out that?
His aandy.
10) What does a Malayali do when he goes to America?
He changes his name from Karunakaran to Kevin Curren.
11) What does a Malayali use to com mute to office everyday?
An Oto.
Who is Malayali’s fyamousu eactor and aectress?
Geedha, Revadhi, Zilgsmidha end Ambiga.