While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: "listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck."

"If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

To which the wife responds: "he wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

Dear John,

I hope you can help me. The other day I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house, watching T.V. My car stalled, and it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to my house to get my husband’s help. When I got home, I couldnt’ believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with our neighbour’s daughter.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and neighbour’s daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When i confronted him, he broke down, and admitted that they had been having an affair since last six months. He won’t go to counselling and I am afraid I am a wreck, and need advice urgently, Can you please Help?

Sincerely,

Sheila

Reply:

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all the grounding wires. If none of these solve the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I Hope this helps,

Regards,
John

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR, THE BELL DOESN’T WORK).

At a zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

At a Hotel:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

In a Restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITERS RUDE SHOULD WAIT AND SEE THE MANAGER.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

In a Coffee House:
PEOPLE DISCARDING CIGARETTE STUBS IN CUPS, WILL BE SERVED COFFEE IN ASH TRAYS.

1. Kimberley Big Hole – South Africa Apparently the largest ever hand-dug excavation in the world, this 1097-meter-deep mine yielded over three tons of diamonds before being closed. 2. Glory Hole – Monticello Dam, California This is the Glory Hole at Monticello Dam, and it’s the largest in the world of this type of spillway, its size enabling it to consume 14,400 cubic feet of water every second. A glory hole is used when a dam is at full capacity and water needs to be drained from the reservoir. 3 Great Blue Hole , Belize This incredible geographical phenomenon known as a blue hole is situated 60 miles off the mainland of Belize . There are numerous blue holes around the world but none as stunning as this one. 4 Sinkhole in Guatemala This photo is of a sinkhole that occurred February 2007 in Guatemala . It swallowed two dozen homes and killed at least three people. 5. This Indian Parliament is the famous Rat Hole. It is capable of swallowing Millions of Tax Payers Money annually, never to be heard from again! It is reputed to contain at least 534 + 250 ass"holes".

__._,_.___

I wonder did Hanuman have a visa while his ‘business’ visit to Lanka.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, ‘What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?’

Knowing her Dad, Sally quickly swallowed her food so that she would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

‘Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.’

The girl said, ‘NO!’

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

~The end ~

He: I waited so long for dis.
She: Do u want me to leave?
He: No. Never!
She: Do u luv me?
He: Yes I did, I’m doing & I’ll do.
She: Did u ever cheat me?
He: I’d rather die than do it.
She: Will u kiss me?
He: Surely, thats my pleasure.
She: Will u hurt me?
He: No way, I’m not such a kind of person.
She: can i trust u?
He: yes.
She: oh darling!

To know after marriage, read from bottom to top.

A TV INTERVIEW THAT WAS NEVER AIRED…..

In U.K, in a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who had some theories on the issue….

The interview went as follows :

Lady reporter : “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?”

The farmer stared at the reporter and said : “Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?”

Reporter (obviously embarrassed) : “Well, sir, that’s a new piece of information. . but what’s the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”

Farmer : “And, ma’am, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”

Reporter : “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”

Farmer : “I am getting to the point, ma’am…..

Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day… and screwing you only once a year, wouldn’t you get mad?”

The program was never aired…..

Adarniya mantraji namashkar aapne is sansthaan ko wo chees di jiski hamein sakht zaroorat thi …sstunn ..stunn hota sabi [sab hi] ke paas hai ..sab chupa ke rakte hai ..detaa koi nai …aapne apna stun is balatkari purush ke haat mein diya hai…ab dekiye yeh kaisa iska upyog karta hai

Sanskrit shalok:-

Utthamum dadhdadaath paadam…Madhyam paadam thuchuk chuk
…Ghanisthah thud thudi paadam…Surr surri praan gatakam..

The wife was upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: ‘Now Marie, why you feel you deserve a pay increase?’ Marie: ‘Well, ma’am, three reasons why I want de increase. The first one, mi iron better than you’!

Wife: ‘Who said you iron better than me?’
Marie: ‘Your husband says so.’

Wife: ‘Oh.’
Marie: ‘The second reason…… .ah cooks better than you.’

Wife: ‘Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?’
Marie: ‘Your husband again’

Wife: ‘Oh.’
Marie: ‘My last reason is that I am a better lover than you..’

Wife: (really furious now): ‘My husband says that as well??’ Marie: ‘No ma’am, the Gardener.

Wife: ‘How much increase yuh seh you want again?’

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you

forgot?

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that

morning?

WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year- old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: You’re kidding me, right!?

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, is that correct?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a

new attorney?

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a

deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on

dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like

to rephrase that question?

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a blood sample?

WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go

to?

WITNESS: Oral.

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p..m…

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an

autopsy on him!

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his

sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________ _________ _________ ________ — And the best for last: -

–

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for

a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,

nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, he could have been alive and practicing law..

A family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother (Ba) arrived from the US . It was sent by one of the daughters.

The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top addressed to her brothers and sisters:

Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Smitaben and Varsha,

I am sending Ba’s body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT .

Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.

You will find inside the coffin, under Ba’s body, cans of cheese,

10 packets of Tobler chocolates and 8 packets of Badam (peanuts) please divide these among all of you.

On Ba’s feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha’s and Lakshmi’s sons. Hope the sizes are correct.

Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan.

Just distribute the rest among yourselves.

The 2 new Jeans that Ba is wearing are for the boys.

The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba’s left wrist.

Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her.

The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my nephews.

Please distribute all these fairly.

PS : If anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well now a days

Now, here goes…
The following is a telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room-service in a hotel..

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees…morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh….. Yes, I’d like to order bacon and eggs."
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"
Guest: "…..What??"
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?… Pryed, boyud, pochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken ? Creepse?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"
Guest: "I…. Don’t think so.."
RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘udo wan sahn toes’ means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!…Why Uoo don wan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘toast’… Fine…Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We botter?"
Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."
RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter… Just put the butter on the side."
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy…tea.. meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please… And that’s everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken , Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy … Rye ??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."
Guest: "You’re welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND ‘TANJOOBERRYMUTTS’ ……and you do, don’t you?!!!

HDFC Method:
Hire a lion and ask him to meow like a cat. Give him lots of ESOPs and grass to eat. He will die eventually of hope and starvation.

Citibank Method:
Hire the lion, make him take 14 tests and tell him that if he doesn’t score 90% he will lose the job. Ask him to extract 60 kg meat out of a 40kg goat. Lion dies of the strain.

ABN AMRO Method:
Hire the lion. Give him high impossible targets and expect a premature delivery of these targets. If the targets are delivered, clap for him in a town hall. But if did not deliver, humiliate him regularly. Lion either dies of excitement or starts behaving like Tom Hanks in The Terminal!!

Stanchart method:
Hire a lion; motivate him to outshine other lions in the jungle. Load him with impractical targets and if he finds the prey, ensure jackals in the jungle snatch the prey and the lion dies in oblivion……

Kotak Method:
Hire a lion, load him with targets to focus on value instead of volume. Every quarter change the style and make his life miserable. If he survives in the system reward him with a hefty bonus.

RBI Method:
Hire a lion and give him a 3000 page circular on how to kill a goat. Amend the circular atleast three times a day. Send him on inspection to the jungle, where he can threaten to cancel the hunting licence of any fox, wolf, bear, jackal etc who have violated any provision of the 3000 page circular. Lion dies of boredom.

SBI Method:
Recruit a lion, give him the power of a mouse. Lion dies of over expectation and no results………….

IDBI Method:
Recruit a lion, Give him posting among cats. People call him manager but he is actually a clerk. Expect to work as an all rounder. Lion dies in frustration or escapes to another jungle.

and the best …

ICICI Method:
Hire a lion. Give him hell a lot of work and pay him much lower salary than his politically astute peers. Restructure his job, position, boss, colleagues, designation, department, salary, and location every 4-6 months. Remove all lions above 40 from the organisation by giving them VRS. If he kills 2 goats a day, give him target of killing 20 elephants a day, even if there are only 10 elephants in the jungle. Lion dies of exhaustion, overkill, self doubt and restructuring !!!

Examples from Bollywood-

Pati, Patni aur ooh !
Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Cum

Ajab prem ki gazab jawani
Come-in-ne
Ball the best

Mujhe kuch karna hai
Deewana Mast- ana
Yes-i-want
Ab Tumare Hawale Badan Sathiyo
Cheer-Zaara
Yeh Lamhe **udai Ke
Haath hi mera saathi

Bang De Basanti
Gol Maal

Jeena Yahan, Maarna Yahan
Dus jawaniyan
Bas itna sa saab hai
Shake up Sid
Cum-dog Crorepati

Pill leke dekho
Kal blow na ho
Maarna mana hai!

Maare Zameen Pe

*hut Polish

Sho Lay

The Dilido movies: replace Dil with Dildo and the results are hilarious

Phir bhi dildo hai Hindustani

Hum Dildo De chuke Sanam

Dilo to Pagal Hai

However using Pill istead of Dil also makes the names become equally interesting

Pill Diya Dard Liya

Pill-lagi

Pill Do Pyar Lo

Talking about innuendos, the following names would surely mean a thing to the dirty mind-

Laal Badshah
Chhota Chetan
Jaisi Karni Waisi Bharni

Zamane ko Dikhana hai
Hathyar
Ab Meri Baari
Khuli Khidki

Lage raho Munna bhai

Ek se Badkar Ek
Manthan
Teesra Kaun?

Pyasa

Do Aanken Barah Haath

Bandhe Haath

Parde Ke Peechhe

They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than he ll. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching
frantically, screaming:

‘It’s gone! It’s all GONE! ‘I lost everything when the power went out!’
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
‘Wait!’ he screamed. ‘That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don’t have any?’

God just shrugged and said,
‘JESUS SAVES’

Hello, could you give me condom …………..

I’m going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!” The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out He returns and says, “Give me another condom because my girlfriend’s sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too.”

The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says “Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend’s mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes and since She invited me for dinner I think she is expecting me to make a move!

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying,

“Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us”.

A minute later the boy is still praying; “Thank you Lord for your kindness.”
Ten minutes go by and The boy is still praying, keeping his head down.

The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, “I didn’t know you were so religious.”

The boy replies, “I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist!”

Moral of the story: While buying a condom keep your mouth shut.