Jesus vs Satan

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, ‘THAT’S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.’
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than he ll. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching
frantically, screaming:

‘It’s gone! It’s all GONE! ‘I lost everything when the power went out!’
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
‘Wait!’ he screamed. ‘That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don’t have any?’

God just shrugged and said,
‘JESUS SAVES’

The Condom Story

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist

Hello, could you give me condom …………..

I’m going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!" The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out He returns and says, "Give me another condom because my
girlfriend’s sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."

The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend’s mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always
makes eyes and since She invited me for dinner I think she is expecting me to make a move!

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying,

"Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us".

A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your kindness."
Ten minutes go by and The boy is still praying, keeping his head down.

The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn’t know you were so religious."

The boy replies, "I
didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist!"

Moral of the story: While buying a condom keep your mouth shut.

Indian Innovation !

Special Branch ?

Meaningful Bengali Names

Solar System…… ……… …….Sourin Mondal
Mountaineer. ……… ……… …Durjoy Pahari
Dark Cave…….. ……… ……… Ghanashyam Guha
Faithful Husband….. ……… .Sushil Nath
Pure Reader…… ……… ……..Nirmal Pathak
Sales Tax……… ……… ……… .Becharam Kar
Moving Wheels…… ……… …Chakradhar Gargari
Bottomless Abyss……. …….Asim Talapatra
Lord Servant….. ……… ……..Mahaprab hu Das
Luminous Moon…….. ……..Jyotirmo y Chandra
Group of Deer…….. ……… …Hironmoy Pal
Mighty Lion…….. ……… ……Mahabir Singha
Universal Opinion….. ……..Jagat Roy
Console….. ……… ……… ……Santana Dey
Bamboo Craftsman… ……..Bangshi Karmakar
Human Faith……. ……… …..Manab Biswas
Sitting for Exam…….. ……..Parikshi t Basak
Flooded Rivers…… ……… …Sajal Ganguly
Clean Container… ……… ….Sunirmal Patra
Clay Statue of God……… ….Mrinmoy Debnath
Sea Sailor…… ……… ……… …Sagar Majhi
Finding Lost Wealth…… ….Haradhan Pakrashi
Air Force……. ……… ……… …Aakash Samanta
State of Life…….. ……… ……Jiban Haldar
Unsteady Government.. ….Chanchal Sarkar
Interiem Order……. ……… ..Antara Roy

Desi Dude’s Matrimonial Letter

Reply to a Matrimonial Ad in a Desi newspaper!!

***************************************
Dear Madam,

I am an older young uncle living only with myself in Amritsar . Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.

I am a soiled son from inside Punjab . I am nice and big, six foot tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket and I am a good batter and I am a fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce alot.

I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am gay. Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am. I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking (only a Kingfisher in the evenings) but I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the Jim.

I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things into your hand. If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day. In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the Jim. If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope.

I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.

Expecting soon,

Yours and only yours,

Choudhary Bash Warraich,
born by mother in Bhindra di galli and become big and moneyed in Amritsar, Punjab

Fart Surprise

"One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent
that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up eating baked
beans, my all time favourite.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way
home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and
told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I
passed by a small diner and the aroma of baked beans was more than I could
stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects
by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the dinner and before I knew
it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I
made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed
excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly:

‘Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.’ He then blindfolded me and
led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was
about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not
to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The
baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was
becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized
the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not
only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in
front of a pulpwood mill.

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was
worse than stinking cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the
conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few
minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone
farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few
more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on
it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned,
apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had
not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated
around the table chorused:

"Happy Birthday"!!!