The Chinese English

By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS"…and be ready for China !

Now, here goes…
The following is a telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room-service in a hotel..

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees…morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh….. Yes, I’d like to order bacon and eggs."
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"
Guest: "…..What??"
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?… Pryed, boyud, pochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken ? Creepse?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"
Guest: "I…. Don’t think so.."
RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘udo wan sahn toes’ means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!…Why Uoo don wan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘toast’… Fine…Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We botter?"
Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."
RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter… Just put the butter on the side."
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy…tea.. meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please… And that’s everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken , Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy … Rye ??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."
Guest: "You’re welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND ‘TANJOOBERRYMUTTS’ ……and you do, don’t you?!!!

Design Phallusy

No one thought light would play this mischief……;-)

Lions of Indian Corporations

HSBC Method :
Hire a lion. Give him full rest & make him lazy, Pay him more than his expectation, Never tell him to do any work upto six months, and after six months tell him that now you have to fulfill your yearly target within six months otherwise u will be kicked out from jungle. Lion dies due to fear, that if he looses this lazy animal’s jungle where he will go.

HDFC Method:
Hire a lion and ask him to meow like a cat. Give him lots of ESOPs and grass to eat. He will die eventually of hope and starvation.

Citibank Method:
Hire the lion, make him take 14 tests and tell him that if he doesn’t score 90% he will lose the job. Ask him to extract 60 kg meat out of a 40kg goat. Lion dies of the strain.

ABN AMRO Method:
Hire the lion. Give him high impossible targets and expect a premature delivery of these targets. If the targets are delivered, clap for him in a town hall. But if did not deliver, humiliate him regularly. Lion either dies of excitement or starts behaving like Tom Hanks in The Terminal!!

Stanchart method:
Hire a lion; motivate him to outshine other lions in the jungle. Load him with impractical targets and if he finds the prey, ensure jackals in the jungle snatch the prey and the lion dies in oblivion……

Kotak Method:
Hire a lion, load him with targets to focus on value instead of volume. Every quarter change the style and make his life miserable. If he survives in the system reward him with a hefty bonus.

RBI Method:
Hire a lion and give him a 3000 page circular on how to kill a goat. Amend the circular atleast three times a day. Send him on inspection to the jungle, where he can threaten to cancel the hunting licence of any fox, wolf, bear, jackal etc who have violated any provision of the 3000 page circular. Lion dies of boredom.

SBI Method:
Recruit a lion, give him the power of a mouse. Lion dies of over expectation and no results………….

IDBI Method:
Recruit a lion, Give him posting among cats. People call him manager but he is actually a clerk. Expect to work as an all rounder. Lion dies in frustration or escapes to another jungle.

and the best …

ICICI Method:
Hire a lion. Give him hell a lot of work and pay him much lower salary than his politically astute peers. Restructure his job, position, boss, colleagues, designation, department, salary, and location every 4-6 months. Remove all lions above 40 from the organisation by giving them VRS. If he kills 2 goats a day, give him target of killing 20 elephants a day, even if there are only 10 elephants in the jungle. Lion dies of exhaustion, overkill, self doubt and restructuring !!!

Bollywood XXX

The other day there was this thread on Twitter "movies turned xxx" (wordplay with movie names such that it sounds like a xxx movie)

Examples from Bollywood-

Pati, Patni aur ooh !
Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Cum

Ajab prem ki gazab jawani
Come-in-ne
Ball the best

Mujhe kuch karna hai
Deewana Mast- ana
Yes-i-want
Ab Tumare Hawale Badan Sathiyo
Cheer-Zaara
Yeh Lamhe **udai Ke
Haath hi mera saathi

Bang De Basanti
Gol Maal

Jeena Yahan, Maarna Yahan
Dus jawaniyan
Bas itna sa saab hai
Shake up Sid
Cum-dog Crorepati

Pill leke dekho
Kal blow na ho
Maarna mana hai!

Maare Zameen Pe

*hut Polish

Sho Lay

The Dilido movies: replace Dil with Dildo and the results are hilarious

Phir bhi dildo hai Hindustani

Hum Dildo De chuke Sanam

Dilo to Pagal Hai

However using Pill istead of Dil also makes the names become equally interesting

Pill Diya Dard Liya

Pill-lagi

Pill Do Pyar Lo

Talking about innuendos, the following names would surely mean a thing to the dirty mind-

Laal Badshah
Chhota Chetan
Jaisi Karni Waisi Bharni

Zamane ko Dikhana hai
Hathyar
Ab Meri Baari
Khuli Khidki

Lage raho Munna bhai

Ek se Badkar Ek
Manthan
Teesra Kaun?

Pyasa

Do Aanken Barah Haath

Bandhe Haath

Parde Ke Peechhe

Jesus vs Satan

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, ‘THAT’S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.’
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than he ll. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching
frantically, screaming:

‘It’s gone! It’s all GONE! ‘I lost everything when the power went out!’
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
‘Wait!’ he screamed. ‘That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don’t have any?’

God just shrugged and said,
‘JESUS SAVES’

The Condom Story

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist

Hello, could you give me condom …………..

I’m going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!" The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out He returns and says, "Give me another condom because my
girlfriend’s sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."

The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend’s mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always
makes eyes and since She invited me for dinner I think she is expecting me to make a move!

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying,

"Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us".

A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your kindness."
Ten minutes go by and The boy is still praying, keeping his head down.

The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn’t know you were so religious."

The boy replies, "I
didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist!"

Moral of the story: While buying a condom keep your mouth shut.

Indian Innovation !